Sweetest Cupcakes

My two older girls were cupcakes in a mini nutcracker recital. They had an awesome time!

I think my little one ends up eating more paint than she puts on the paper (or pumpkins). I hope the non-toxic label is truthful!!

How long?

Today I am feeling like an exceptionally slow learner. I continue day after day to live in the memory of my "old self." The person addicted to serving self and the person desperate for approval and acceptance from others. The person that can lash out in cruel ways toward people I feel hurt by. The control freak.

The Truth about me is that I am none of those things. I have been redeemed, made new, and my old self is dead. I am not selfish, but in Christ I am loving, I do not need approval or acceptance from others, because His love and acceptance are enough for my evey need. I am not cruel, I am full of love and kindness. I am not a control freak, I have surrendered control to the Perfect Creator. Each day I live a lie. I live in the memory of who I used to be instead of living out my true identity in the moment.

I ask you Lord to make the Truth of who I really am the reality for me today.

It's Been Too Long!

I can't believe I haven't posted since May!

I am having an awesome semester-filled with ups and downs, but still great!

My oldest child started kindergarten and that has been a roller coaster for the whole family! The first two weeks she was back to temper tantrums like she used to have. Screaming, pounding, etc. It was hard to watch her go through such extreme negative experiences and also hard, because I didn't handle her outbursts like I should have. :( I had an awesome opportunity to minister to her when she needed me the most, but instead I got angry at her chosen device to express her sadness and anger. The awesome thing is that God redeems EVERYTHING! Even my parenting mistakes. I can see how through it all, we have grown closer and had many sweet moments together with God. A is a deeply emotional girl that thrives as she connects with people. Her teacher is somewhat cold and non-connected, so if you think of us, I would love to have your prayers for A's emotions while she is at school. The great thing is, she is getting connected to some of the girls in her class! Yay!

S and L have also started preschool classes on Tuesday and Thursday. They absolutely LOVE their classes and teachers! It's cute. Tonight on our way home from an outing, L was asking for Kakkies (Ms. Kathy) the whole way. She asks for her every day, which is comforting to know that she has such fond feelings for school and her teacher! They sing together a lot in class and do an art project almost every time she is there! It's awesome. S also looks forward to school and wishes she could go every day! :)

I get to be a part of two Be Transformed groups this semester and they have knocked my socks off! I don't think I have ever witnessed God at work in people lives like I have this semester. He is pursuing His children hard and they are responding! It's amazing to watch Him bring Truth and restoration-I love every minute of it!

So, one thing we have talked a lot about is whether as Christians we have one nature-made alive and righteous in Christ at salvation. Or two natures constantly at war within us. Sinful vs. Christ. What do you think? I'll post my opinion on that issue tomorrow...hopefully!

Little Dancer

Sophie had her first dance recital last weekend! She had so much fun, and we LOVED watching her! So cute!

Child, Let It All Go!

Matt bought A and S valentine gifts from a mail order fair trade company. Their necklaces were made by children recovering from a tsunami, and much of the profit from the necklaces goes straight to them as they try to put their lives back together.

Matt told the girls the story of the children making their necklaces, and every night since, the girls have wanted to pray for these children. Tonight while we were reading stories, the subject of these children without houses came up again.

S: "I think we should just let them come live at our ouse, with us!"

Me: "That's a great idea S." While I encouraged this "great idea," inside I didn't really think so. I have my world much too ordered for this. To let homeless children and families come live here would drive me SO far out of my routine comfort zone...

A: "I think we should just let them HAVE our house. For no money. Let's just leave and let them have it."

Me: "That's also a great idea, A." Another idea encouraged that I would move quickly away from in my mind and never really consider.

So, tonight I am wondering. How tightly am I holding my life, my house, my routines. I feel much too poor to give away my house or open it up to others that need shelter...would I even hear the LORD if He ever asked me to do these things?

I wonder if it was the pure voice of the Holy Spirit coming through my children's mouths tonight. It seems like my life is so wrapped up in how I feel, what I want, what we need, bedtimes, and money limitations.

In the past few weeks God has had me on a crash course to learning dependence and surrender in the midst of tough relationships. An emotional surrender. Now I am wondering, is He also leading me to dependence and surrender of my physical life as well? A physical surrender? Both are painful and scary in different ways, but both end in living a life full of unimaginable joy. The more He leads me to surrender things I never thought I could, the more deep fulfilling joy I experience.

I see Him in His great grace attacking two powerful strongholds in my life. 1. My need for the approval and recognition of others. By His grace, I am learning to receive my value and significance in Him alone. 2. My want worm. The more He breaks me away from these strongholds, the more of this amazing life I see, feel, and experience.

I look forward to the work He continues to do in me and I am so grateful for the work He has already done. Five years ago I would never have believed I could be this full with joy and that I really could be satisfied in the Lord. He works all things for good and is so faithful to finish the work He starts in us!

I hear Him saying to me, "Child, let it all go. Release your needs to Me instead of spending your life trying to get each one met. I am trustworthy with evey need. I am faithful to every promise. I am a strong shelter for your soul. I am all the love and acceptance you need in every moment. I AM. I AM enough for your every need to be overwhelmingly satisfied...and I love you. Trust me and let it all go!"

I will. "I will" is a tough response when we're talking about acceptance, our house, our cars, our life, our hopes, our dreams, our children...

I will trust you with it all, because you are I AM.

L Bear

Our little L Bear is 14 months old-oh my, that has to be one of the most fun ages of all! I love it! She is starting to explore her legs thinking they might be able to jump someday. She looks in the mirror, screams, and then laughs. She loves her screaming face! Ha! She passionately calls Matt, "Mama!" She has a new affectionate term for me: Mommy-a. She hugs and kisses all of us spontaneously. She runs to the refrigerator when we ask her if she wants her milk. Oh, the list goes on and on.

One of my favorite things recently is her love of wearing her socks on her hands. Not just any socks. The red polka dot socks. She finds them in the laundry basket and brings them to me to put on her hands. Then she wears them until we have to take one off for her to eat or take a bath! Haha. So cute. Motherhood is so entertaining! I love it.

Ballet Magnificat!

A and I went to the Ballet Magnificat! last night in Waco. It was an authentic time of worship for the dancers, which was such a treat for us.

About halfway into the show, A said, "Look Mommy! They are praising God with their hands, their bodies, AND their feet!" She was thrilled to see the girls "dancing to God." Oh, it makes my heart flip just to remember it!

If you ever get the chance to go to a Ballet Magnificat! I highly recommend it! They are really good dancers and it's moving to be a part of their worship.

www.balletmagnificat.com

Fuzzy Faces

I LOVE having little ones and spending a lot of time with them. Much of the time it is super hard and I fail miserably at it, but it is also so fun!

Today I was tucking in the girls for nap. I gave S her hugs and kisses and we had a funny little talk.

"Mommy, I love your hugs."
"Thank you! I love your hugs, too."
"I love your mouth. And your cheeks."
"Thank you S."
"You don't have fuzzy on your mouth and your cheeks. Daddy has fuzzy on his mouth and his cheeks. God doesn't make fuzzy on mommy faces. He only makes fuzzy on daddy faces. Hmm."

S doesn't like it when I laught at her serious thoughts. It was everything I could do to hold my giggles until I left the room!

I am so thankful to have the work of the Holy Spirit take me over for a couple of weeks. (See previous blog. :-)) For the past couple days I have been cycling back into my "old self behavior." Irritated with kids, insecure around people, etc. Bottom line, self-centered. I am headed to go talk to God about all of it. I just wanted to record S's cuteness before I forgot!

New Life

The love of Christ has taken over my heart. Where I once felt my flesh urge to crticize, I now feel the Spirits full love. Where I once rejected to keep my heart safe, I now feel the Spirits full acceptance of me and others.

The love of Christ has taken over my eyes. Where I once saw imperfection, I now see precious beauty.

I love of Christ has taken over my thoughts. Where I once thought constantly about how I looked or what people thought, I now think of others with love and prayer.

The love of Christ has taken over my mind. Where I once feared, I now love.

I am moment by moment experiencing the life of Christ through me for the first time in my life. I am still experiencing flesh at times, but have spent much of my time in the past two weeks abiding in Him.

By His Grace at His perfect time, He has brought me here. To a moment by moment experience of His life and His love.

The Bible says in John that Jesus came to give life and give it abundantly. I seriously wondered if I would ever get past my flesh enough to experience that life He talks about. The answer was, no, I could not get past my flesh. He could, He can, He did and He will! Not in my time, but in His perfect time.

After nearly 6 months of brokenness, He has brought me of glimpse of what it is to live life In Him. I am thrilled to continue this life In Him as He breaks my soul ties with my flesh and brings me into this incredible Life filled with indescribable joy.

What a Hubby

My hubby spent the morning with my two younger daughters. When I walked in the door after picking up our oldest from pre-school, I found S happily married.

"I'm married with Daddy, this is our baby (L), and this is our real kid (cabbage patch)."

This is one thing I love about Matt. He plays house with the girls whenever they want! Here are some others:

1. He's such a good man that his daughters get excited to be pretend married to him.
2. He would rather go on a date with me than watch his favorite show. (No DVR or Tevo here!)
3. He does the dishes.
4. He loves God and it shows.
5. He has taught 2 out of 3 of our babies to sleep through the night by staying up all night with them for over a week.
6. He disciples our daughters in living life in Christ.
7. He likes to spend time with us and spends a lot of time with us.
8. He is good at his job.
9. He leads our home spiritually.
10. He often cooks dinner.
11. He seems to enjoy spending money on me. :) It's really sweet.
12. He doesn't get mad at me when we're sleeping on couches because I have covered our bed with laundry and haven't folded by bedtime (about 12am).
13. He is handsome.
14. He is kind.
15. He is never critical.
16. He is loving.
17. He is patient.
18. He surrenders to God's lead in his life, which is the best way of taking care of us.
19. He listens to me.
20. He's lots of fun to be around.

I think I could continue on this list all day, but I have a baby crying! Thanks for being so great Matt, I love you!

Absent

I had coffee with a dear friend tonight and came home excited to continue on in my faith walk with God. Over the past two years I have been on a faith crash course with God. He has taught me deep lessons of faith in Him as provider. He has shown Himself to be so real, to be present, and completely faithful. He has taught me that He gives me every good thing. So I can trust that if I don't have it right now, then it is not good for me right now. I have finally, by His grace, learned to trust and believe in His decisions for what is good for me and enjoy His continuing faithfulness. I know that I am still on this faith crash course and that He has much more learning in store for me, but I also feel that He has done much transformation.

Tonight as I talked with Jodi, He showed me something new for my faith walk. He has led me to faith in the area of financial provision and has done a major work in me. I feel that I have surrendered many of the things I was holding onto when it comes to materialism and my want worm. (The want worm is still very much there, but He has shown me how to resist it by believing truth and speaking truth.) But there is something that I have been holding very tightly. I have held on when I needed to surrender. I have claimed rights that aren't mine to claim. I have wanted and wanted without speaking truth and trusting His provisions. The new area He revealed to me is MY MARRIAGE!

I have an amazing husband, but I have to admit that I have been wanting and wanting and wanting from Matt since the day we married. I have been wanting him to meet my emotional needs, treat me with tenderness, to help me around the house, etc. etc. etc. I have refused to surrender my want worm when it comes to wanting from my husband. Tonight the Lord graciously showed me that I can trust Him as provider for my emotional needs just like I can trust Him for my physical/financial needs. He is The Giver of everything I need. I can release Matt from all of my wants and expectations and let him walk freely with God. I can live in our relationship in fullness no matter what behavior Matt chooses. I am full in Christ. That is the truth about me. God is enough and God will provide for every emotional, physical, and spiritual need. I believe that He is providing, but I have been refusing the receiving.

So, tonight, I surrender my right to want from my husband. I know that when I am living in Christ and experiencing His fullness I will become a giver in my marriage instead of a taker. I know that God has provided for every emotional need and as I learn to surrender my rights and dreams, I will begin to experience His amazing provision. Life in Him is so full and satisfying. He meets every need with such abundance. He has shown us His faithfullness in our finances, now I look forward to experiencing more of His faithfulness in my marriage.

Today

Good Things Today

I talked with my mom AND grandma on the phone...that's a treat to get both in one day! :)

I organized all of our off size/season clothes in the garage, which is great! When they aren't organized I end up buying clothes that we don't need just because I have no idea where anything is located!

Little L's new thing is doing Karate to get people's attention. She's 11 months and just does it with her hands and voice. I am going to try and get a video of her doing it to show her off. It's hysterical. It kills me every time she does it. I love it.

I have been getting a lot of hugs and I love yous from A since our fun trip to Arkansas. So much fun.

S does a hysterical little dance when we're getting her ready for bed. It makes it impossible not to enjoy bedtime! (Thanks Kelsey!)

My aunt and uncle are coming to visit in 2 weeks! Yipee!!

We get to have lunch with friends from college on Friday! We haven't seen them in ages, so I'm so excited to catch up.

I'm married to Matt. He's awesome. That's the best thing about today.

Actually, the best thing about today is that Matt, who is awesome, leads me in God's grace. And God's grace is incredible today and every day. There is no greater quality I would rather have in a husband than that. I could list tons of things I enjoy about him, but that's the best one so I'll leave it there.

God's Soverignty

I've been having a discussion around here about God appointing leaders. I would love anyone out there who reads my blog to weigh in on this one...

Do you think God appoints each leader of each and every country? Does He choose the right leader and our votes are merely a means for His will to reach it's end?

Do you think God has a candidate in store and in Spirit AND flesh we follow through with His will or we interfere with it by electing someone else? If yes, do you think He works it for good when we choose/vote against His will, or do we endure the bad consequences of not following Him as a nation?

Do you think another way that in my brain dead state right now I am not considering? :)

Salty before Sweet
Being Late before Being Early
Apologizing before Bitterness
Black before White
Mexican food over Chinese food
Late nights over early mornings
Water over Soda
No TV over watching the News
Beach over mountain (hard choice!)
Chocolate over vanilla
Dogs over cats
Mistakes made over missed chances
Chapstick over lipstick
Music over silence
Dancing over any other sport
Cake over pie
Half full over half empty
Sense of humor over sense of style (I'm hurting on both!)
Wheel of Fortune over Jeopardy!
Pro-life over pro-choice
Iced Tea over Soda
Fletch over Pretty Woman
Baked Potato over french fries
Belle over Cinderella!
Big city over small town
The Olympics over The Oscars
Too hot over too cold
Mustard over ketchup
House salad over Caesar salad
Books and movies
Pedicures over manicures
Apples over oranges
Cute cars over big trucks
Trail over treadmill
Summer over winter
Time with girlfriends over time alone
Vacuuming floors over mopping floors
Time with my family over Anything else!

I saw this on several blogs...it seems different each time...so I changed it a little too.

What do you choose?

Good Read

My friend wrote a good post recently that I want to recommend.

Be an Advocate

It is an interesting perspective on our upcoming decision at the polls. I pray that we will all depend on God as we cast our vote.

I love God

For many years I have had tall, thick, strong walls up around my heart. I built these walls out of fear. I knew that if people really knew me they would not love or accept me, so I hid out behind my walls (or inside my turtle shell.)

I have feared rejection, disappointing others, not being good enough, fun enough, or nice enough. I have always felt that I am unworthy of love and acceptance. I have kind of isolated myself emotionally in order to protect myself.

That kind of life is a very sad and lonely life. Over the years friends have broken through the walls and reached me emotionally. When I would have a friend this close to me, I would relax and really be "myself." These friendships never lasted long. From my perspective, soon after being authentic, these friends would see the real me and not like it. Many friendships ended this way, but a handful held on. They proved my theory wrong and loved me despite my flaws...which can be rather ugly at times!

So, I have a handful of people that I feel very accepted by and loved by. I can be myself, bad days and all, and know that these people love me.

These friends have walked with me as I learn to receive from God and relate with Him in a love relationship.

For many years I have said of myself, I have blocked off love from my life. I don't love...I don't receive love including love from God. I believed about myself that I didn't love others or God and that I was incapable of receiving love from anyone. I know, LIES!

What a ridiculous lie, right?! I think so, yet I believed it for almost a decade of my life and let it destroy relationships and rob me from experiencing the love of God and His love through others in my life.

For some reason loving my kids has always been the exception. I didn't understand why, but I was always able to experience and give much love to them.

This Sunday at church, Kyle was leading and we were singing Savior King by Hillsong. We sang (not completely sure of all the words), "I love you, Lord! I worship you. You are our God. You alone are good. You asked your Son, to carry this. The heavy cross our weight of sin. I give my life. To honor thee. The love of Christ. The Savior King!"

As we started to sing that chorus, I thought, "I can't sing this. I don't really love God." I often think this type of thing during worship. I'm standing there analyzing whether or not what I am saying is true. Often it leads me to stop singing and pray. This time I stopped singing for a moment until the Spirit of God worked powerfully in my mind. These are the thoughts he renewed my mind with:

"Of course you love God. The enemy had held you down with that lie for too long. It is time for you to believe the truth about yourself and about me. I am in you and I AM. I am love. I am good. I am everything you need. You love God, because I love. You don't experience this love for God on a daily basis because of the lies you believe about Him and yourself. Enjoy this song, because what is true about you is that YOU LOVE GOD! Enjoy Him. He is worthy of your praise. He is so good and true. He is love. Your old self didn't love. You were not capable of true love. Your new identity Is Love. Live in it-in Him."

So the true thing about me is that I am 100% capable of giving and receiving love with God and with others around me! This lie has held me back for so long and I am now able to experience the freedom and love that has been mine in Christ since I was 7 years old and asked Him to be Lord of my life. Wow, I will never believe that lie again! It has been exposed by the Spirit for what it is and I am so happy to be residing in love now. It's wonderful.

This inability to experience love relationships was all in my mind. It was in my belief systems. Which is why I have always been able to love my kids. In my mind I knew that my kids HAD TO HAVE love from me. I believed that I had to love them-it wasn't a choice. I believed I could, so I did.

Understanding my relationship with love In Christ enables me to love them with the love that they really need and needed all along. The love of God. He is love, He lives in me, and He loves through me. For years, my kids have received love given from me off of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I knew what I had to do and I did my best in my own strength. Now, they are receiving the real fruit of love from the Tree of Life. God loving them through me and it has made a huge difference in their lives. I can see His love transform them. I can see His love touch them deeply in a way mine never could. I see His faithfulness in my life, in my family and I am so thankful.

I am a being of love! I receive His love and He gives His love through me. It's a beautiful way to live in relationships...He is so beautiful.

And concerning my fear of rejection and belief that I am unlovable...those are fears built on lies. Me believing that my old self has not died. Me living in the truth of my flesh instead of the truth of who He is in me and who I am in Him. I am secure, loved, accepted, and acceptable. His goodness in me is enough. His life in me is more good than I could ever produce. I will live in my new self-the character of God placed in me and given to others through me. I will rest in His goodness-thanking Him that I do not have to produce goodness on my own. His goodness and grace are sufficient for me.

"As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." Colossians 2:6

AMEN!

Sword of Truth

We have a dear friend that let us use some of her little girl's clothes for a few months before they make their next stop on her hand-me-down calendar! They are all 4T size, perfect for my middle daughter S. She is 3, but has some LEGS on her! :) She recently grew out of her 3T pants and we didn't have very much 4T stuff...enter my darling friend and her big box of 4T clothes.

Anyway, S has never been a "wanter." She is pretty content with what she has. She sees a big ball at the toy store and says, "I don't need that! I have a ball at home!" On the other hand, my oldest daughter, A, has quite a want worm! I totally understand, because I struggle with a mean want worm myself.

So we were looking through this big box of clothes for S. I could tell that A was struggling watching S try on so many new cute things to wear this fall. She was just digging through the pile searching every tag in hopes of finding a 5, then she just sat watching S try on. On an usual day, this is where we would start to see an emotional meltdown, but this day was different. After a while she looked at me with a very peaceful look on her face and said, "Mommy, we don't really need these clothes. It was so sweet of Ms. Celena to let us use them, but we don't really need them. God is all we need." We talked about it for a little while and then we went about our day.

My heart was so warm and thankful to God for the whole situation, because A had used her sword of Truth in a time of emotional difficulty. She was struggling and feeling upset because her want worm wasn't satisfied. Instead of letting her disapointed feelings control her, she chose to speak the Truth that she knows about God and stuff. The Bible tells us that He is all we need and that He provides all we need. To believe that we need something that we don't have is believing a lie. Wow, that's been a tough one for me for a while now.

I have the opportunity to do that every day. When I face disapointing circumstances, I can wallow in negative emotions, pull my self up by my boot straps and deal, or I can reject lies that God is withholding or untrustworthy and speak the Truth that I know about Him. He is so good and trustworthy and He gives us every good thing as He sees fit. I'm so thankful that He doesn't give in to my shortsighted desires. His will is so much bigger and better than I can even imagine.

Thanks A, for a great lesson. You are such a beautiful child-inside and out. His life through you is so awesome and I have much joy watching Him work in you and through you. I love you!

My Reality

I find that my reality is really not True at all. It is what I am experiencing, but it is amazing that I can experience a reality that is so far from Truth!

"A lie believed as truth will affect your life as if it were true--even though it is a lie."

So if I believe that God is distant and not really concerned with the small details of my life then more than likely that will be a false reality that I experience and think is true...hmmm. There are so many areas in my life where I allow lies to manifest as truth and they affect my life so much!

Today I turn away from the lies I believe and choose to believe the Truth.

That God is close and cares deeply for me...the big and small aspects of me.

I choose to believe that He is good, that He is perfect, faithful, and that He will be the perfect Father and provider for me and my family.

I choose to believe that the gospel story is true and that in Christ I am victorious.

I choose to believe that HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME. He is everything I will ever need and more.

I can rest in His sufficiency and let those Truths create my experienced reality...which results in MUCH JOY!

Fun Night

Tonight we had week 1 of our Be Transformed study at our house. It was so fun to start it again with a new group of brothers and sisters hungry for God! I love it. We talked about The Beginning and saw The Fall from a new perspective. I always love to go through it. The Holy Spirit speaks to me every time.
Tonight I was overwhelmed by how much I have believed the lies of the enemy and how those lies have kept me in bondage. God renewed my mind again with His awesome Truth of who He is, who I am, and what I have in Him.

Tonight while we were putting the kids to bed we were all laying in their room after Matt prayed. I was laying with A on her bed and Matt was laying on the floor with his head on S's bed. I think S was scratching his head, which is probably why he wasn't in a hurry to leave! :) Anyway, we talked a little and we had been laying there quiet for a couple minutes when A said in a very matter of fact voice, "Why is there someone laying on my bed when I have school early in the morning?" Oh my! It struck my funny bone! I busted out laughing and Matt and I slowly peeled ourselves up and left their room. We haven't heard a noise since...haha! The trick to smooth bedtimes is to put them to bed at 10:45 pm???? Well, that's not going to work! :) Tonight we had special circumstances that kept us up late, but we can't do that every night! At least little S had bedtime success for tonight! (She's 3 and has been having lots of trouble.) Her reward in the morning for a good bedtime is an early morning walk down the street in her jammies with a juice box! She is going to come pounding into my room in the morning knowing that she gets to do it and she's going to be PUMPED! Yay for little S!

One thing I have been learning lately is the Holy Spirit's voice. He often puts thoughts in my head and I explain it away and have reasons why it is just me or something. Lately I have been realizing that He speaks to me a lot and I just don't recognize Him until later. Tonight I was headed out with some friends and had the thought/feeling that I really needed to be home tonight at bedtime. I called Matt and asked him to keep the girls up for me until I got home. He got them all ready for bed and then brought them to come pick me up. When we got home, we had the most precious family time and it was so clear to me that it had been His voice suggesting I be home to put the girls to bed. I am thankful that He speaks to me and thankful that I am learning to listen and recognize Him. This is quite a dance with the Holy Spirit!

I love my little family and I love my God. I feel that He is creating in me and desire for Him alone. Not what He has to offer, not for more head knowledge or a better looking life; just Him. To desire and love Him more each day is such a gift of grace. I am thankful.

My Baby Girl

It seems like just yesterday I was swinging baby A in the Nojo Baby Sling six times a day trying to help her get to sleep! As our first baby, she was such an adventure. Now, she is so big! She can fix her own food, get herself dressed, write her name, and today...she learned to tie her own shoes! Oh my, I just can't believe how big she is! She turned five a few weeks ago-it's so hard to believe!

She is so much fun to have as a daughter-I am so thankful that God put her sweet little soul with us.