2 Timothy Continued

I realized tonight while driving that I brought up a question in my last blog that I never answered!

2 Timothy 2:15 "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth."

Question: Does this means that our approval from God is dependent on our behavior?

We answered, "No, our approval from God is based on the finished work of Christ in the Spirit of the believer." However, 2 Timothy is very clear about what works (fruits) will be evident when, as believers, we are walking out a life dependent on the Holy Spirit. This life of faith is a life approved. Our approval from Him is based on our identity, but there may also be "life approval" in which our choices are approved. "For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin." Romans 14:23 When we turn away from the flesh-life (sin) and turn toward the truth of who Jesus is in us and who we are in Him, we are "accurately handling the word of truth" and we are ready for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:17)

I can definitely see that when turned toward my flesh, I am a vessel not ready for the work He has set aside for me. When I choose faith in His sufficiency, I prepare myself for the Holy Spirit's work through me.

Although, there is no amount of approval or love I can earn from God, I am definitely ready to choose the life He has set aside for me. This means a choice to turn my back on the life of flesh and independence I am often tempted by. The choice to turn toward truth isn't always easy. It is a choice to surrender much of what we have held on to and depended on for years.

I am thankful for the grace He pours out on us and the incredible gift of the Holy Spirit that even makes the choice possible.

He's AWESOME.

2 Timothy

We have started our new Post Be Transformed Fellowship Group! On Thursday evenings, anyone who has finished Be Transformed with us is invited to meet and talk through scripture and how the entire Bible speaks to the Truth of Christ's work on the cross and what that means for us here and now.

So far the group has been small, but very rich! We have met twice and I have felt the encouragement of our discussion in the following days/weeks!

On our first Thursday we discussed 2 Timothy 2. Our question about this passage came in verse 15. "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth."

Question: Does this means that our approval from God is dependent on our behavior? It can certainly sound that way!

As The Holy Spirit was leading our discussion, it started with a look back to 2 Timothy 1 and Ephesians. Timothy is Paul's spiritual son who is pastoring the church in Ephesus. In the book of Ephesians and in 2 Timothy 1, Paul made very clear who we are in Christ as believers and laid the ground work in identity for his later teachings on behavior. He taught that we are new creations, holy and blameless before God. We have been made one with Christ and His nature is our new nature. The power of sin and flesh has been completely defeated and broken and we are now free to walk a victorious life in Christ as He lives His great life through us in this world.

The teaching in 2 Timothy 2 is a practical walking out of those truths. All of us as believers at one time or another have felt the incredible frustration that Paul describes in Romans 7:15 "For that which I am doing, I do not understand for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." We desire the life of godliness that the Bible teaches, yet our actions show the very opposite. We know more than anyone that we cannot be holy and blameless before God. Our thoughts our sinful, our actions selfish, our entire lives at times feel enslaved to the flesh! I have in the past said, "There must be more to the Christian life than trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing." At times it felt like an endless cycle that was destroying me emotionally! The great news is this. There is so much more! Jesus sent the incredible gift of the Holy Spirit to live in us and give us this abundant life beyond our capability!

Ephesians and 2 Timothy have offered great encouragement regarding this issue. 2 Timothy 2:15 again says, "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the word of truth." In light of Paul's prior teachings, this verse is an encouragement to us to live the life we were created for. To look into the word for the truth of who He is, who we are, and adjust our lives accordingly. That is handling it accurately! We look into the word, read we are saints and united with Christ. A minute later we will turn away, speak a lie to ourselves: "I am a failure. I should be ashamed of myself for these choices I have made. I am so far from Christ and I will never figure this life out." Or maybe it sounds more like, "I will do better next time, so God will bless me and be pleased with me." We have just set our lives according to a lie, instead of to the truth of scripture. However, we have the option to turn around and say, "My behavior is not lining up with the truth of who I am in Christ. The truth is that I have no reason to be ashamed. My sin has been removed from me and I am a new creation. I have every spiritual blessing given to me for a life of godliness. Jesus, I trust you to live your life through me."

As we speak the truth of our identity, 2 Timothy brings to light the life of the Spirit that will be revealed as we walk by faith. We will avoid worldly and empty chatter that leads to further ungodliness. We will refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, we will be kind to all, able to teach. We will be patient when wronged. With gentleness, we will correct those who are in opposition. We will flee from lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace with others who call on the name of the Lord with a pure heart. This literally means that we will turn our backs to our flesh, turn toward the Spirit and take a step in faith. Pursuing righteousness, faith, love and peace is choosing the Holy Spirit and the life that He lives in us and through us. 2 Timothy describes a life that is completely impossible in our strength. We cannot read this and determine in our wills to exhibit these behaviors. It is like tying on fruit to an apple tree! This is THE life that the Holy Spirit will live through a surrendered believer!

His part is the life described above. Our part is faith in His sufficiency as we surrender our flesh, our will, our dreams, our rights, our opinions...no sweat. Ha! :) He will accomplish this work in us and lead us to His abundant life that we cannot achieve. There is no amount of performance that can earn that life. It is a gift given from Him and lived through us BY HIM!

Thank you to our Thursday night group for such an incredible discussion. I think I will read this passage regularly now! It is a beautiful reminder of the Spirit-led life that He has given to us.

I love God

For many years I have had tall, thick, strong walls up around my heart. I built these walls out of fear. I knew that if people really knew me they would not love or accept me, so I hid out behind my walls (or inside my turtle shell.)

I have feared rejection, disappointing others, not being good enough, fun enough, or nice enough. I have always felt that I am unworthy of love and acceptance. I have kind of isolated myself emotionally in order to protect myself.

That kind of life is a very sad and lonely life. Over the years friends have broken through the walls and reached me emotionally. When I would have a friend this close to me, I would relax and really be "myself." These friendships never lasted long. From my perspective, soon after being authentic, these friends would see the real me and not like it. Many friendships ended this way, but a handful held on. They proved my theory wrong and loved me despite my flaws...which can be rather ugly at times!

So, I have a handful of people that I feel very accepted by and loved by. I can be myself, bad days and all, and know that these people love me.

These friends have walked with me as I learn to receive from God and relate with Him in a love relationship.

For many years I have said of myself, I have blocked off love from my life. I don't love...I don't receive love including love from God. I believed about myself that I didn't love others or God and that I was incapable of receiving love from anyone. I know, LIES!

What a ridiculous lie, right?! I think so, yet I believed it for almost a decade of my life and let it destroy relationships and rob me from experiencing the love of God and His love through others in my life.

For some reason loving my kids has always been the exception. I didn't understand why, but I was always able to experience and give much love to them.

This Sunday at church, Kyle was leading and we were singing Savior King by Hillsong. We sang (not completely sure of all the words), "I love you, Lord! I worship you. You are our God. You alone are good. You asked your Son, to carry this. The heavy cross our weight of sin. I give my life. To honor thee. The love of Christ. The Savior King!"

As we started to sing that chorus, I thought, "I can't sing this. I don't really love God." I often think this type of thing during worship. I'm standing there analyzing whether or not what I am saying is true. Often it leads me to stop singing and pray. This time I stopped singing for a moment until the Spirit of God worked powerfully in my mind. These are the thoughts he renewed my mind with:

"Of course you love God. The enemy had held you down with that lie for too long. It is time for you to believe the truth about yourself and about me. I am in you and I AM. I am love. I am good. I am everything you need. You love God, because I love. You don't experience this love for God on a daily basis because of the lies you believe about Him and yourself. Enjoy this song, because what is true about you is that YOU LOVE GOD! Enjoy Him. He is worthy of your praise. He is so good and true. He is love. Your old self didn't love. You were not capable of true love. Your new identity Is Love. Live in it-in Him."

So the true thing about me is that I am 100% capable of giving and receiving love with God and with others around me! This lie has held me back for so long and I am now able to experience the freedom and love that has been mine in Christ since I was 7 years old and asked Him to be Lord of my life. Wow, I will never believe that lie again! It has been exposed by the Spirit for what it is and I am so happy to be residing in love now. It's wonderful.

This inability to experience love relationships was all in my mind. It was in my belief systems. Which is why I have always been able to love my kids. In my mind I knew that my kids HAD TO HAVE love from me. I believed that I had to love them-it wasn't a choice. I believed I could, so I did.

Understanding my relationship with love In Christ enables me to love them with the love that they really need and needed all along. The love of God. He is love, He lives in me, and He loves through me. For years, my kids have received love given from me off of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I knew what I had to do and I did my best in my own strength. Now, they are receiving the real fruit of love from the Tree of Life. God loving them through me and it has made a huge difference in their lives. I can see His love transform them. I can see His love touch them deeply in a way mine never could. I see His faithfulness in my life, in my family and I am so thankful.

I am a being of love! I receive His love and He gives His love through me. It's a beautiful way to live in relationships...He is so beautiful.

And concerning my fear of rejection and belief that I am unlovable...those are fears built on lies. Me believing that my old self has not died. Me living in the truth of my flesh instead of the truth of who He is in me and who I am in Him. I am secure, loved, accepted, and acceptable. His goodness in me is enough. His life in me is more good than I could ever produce. I will live in my new self-the character of God placed in me and given to others through me. I will rest in His goodness-thanking Him that I do not have to produce goodness on my own. His goodness and grace are sufficient for me.

"As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." Colossians 2:6

AMEN!

Fun Night

Tonight we had week 1 of our Be Transformed study at our house. It was so fun to start it again with a new group of brothers and sisters hungry for God! I love it. We talked about The Beginning and saw The Fall from a new perspective. I always love to go through it. The Holy Spirit speaks to me every time.
Tonight I was overwhelmed by how much I have believed the lies of the enemy and how those lies have kept me in bondage. God renewed my mind again with His awesome Truth of who He is, who I am, and what I have in Him.

Tonight while we were putting the kids to bed we were all laying in their room after Matt prayed. I was laying with A on her bed and Matt was laying on the floor with his head on S's bed. I think S was scratching his head, which is probably why he wasn't in a hurry to leave! :) Anyway, we talked a little and we had been laying there quiet for a couple minutes when A said in a very matter of fact voice, "Why is there someone laying on my bed when I have school early in the morning?" Oh my! It struck my funny bone! I busted out laughing and Matt and I slowly peeled ourselves up and left their room. We haven't heard a noise since...haha! The trick to smooth bedtimes is to put them to bed at 10:45 pm???? Well, that's not going to work! :) Tonight we had special circumstances that kept us up late, but we can't do that every night! At least little S had bedtime success for tonight! (She's 3 and has been having lots of trouble.) Her reward in the morning for a good bedtime is an early morning walk down the street in her jammies with a juice box! She is going to come pounding into my room in the morning knowing that she gets to do it and she's going to be PUMPED! Yay for little S!

One thing I have been learning lately is the Holy Spirit's voice. He often puts thoughts in my head and I explain it away and have reasons why it is just me or something. Lately I have been realizing that He speaks to me a lot and I just don't recognize Him until later. Tonight I was headed out with some friends and had the thought/feeling that I really needed to be home tonight at bedtime. I called Matt and asked him to keep the girls up for me until I got home. He got them all ready for bed and then brought them to come pick me up. When we got home, we had the most precious family time and it was so clear to me that it had been His voice suggesting I be home to put the girls to bed. I am thankful that He speaks to me and thankful that I am learning to listen and recognize Him. This is quite a dance with the Holy Spirit!

I love my little family and I love my God. I feel that He is creating in me and desire for Him alone. Not what He has to offer, not for more head knowledge or a better looking life; just Him. To desire and love Him more each day is such a gift of grace. I am thankful.

This Weekend

So I actually put the "acceptance with joy" thing into practice this week! Wow, that's a miracle of grace in itself! :)

God has shown me that I am like a turtle. I am a self-preservationist...is that a word? I guess you know what I mean! When danger comes, I immediately retreat into my emotional shell where I feel safe and comfortable. When I don't feel taken care of by God or my loved ones, I go into selfish take care of myself mode. The only problem is that the shell is miserable and constantly looking out for myself is miserable...not to mention disobedient! It isolates me and others and it is destructive to relationships. Can you relate? My husband can't, he is more like a puppy...loyal, loving, forgiving. He doesn't have an instinct to protect himself, he has an instinct to play and love! It's awesome-I love that about him.

Anyway, that is one of my rights I have been holding on to. I so want to retreat whenever I want to and stay there as long as I want to. This weekend, by God's amazing grace and strength, I was able to deny myself the right to retreat. I relinquished my "personal rights" :) and put my husband above myself on several different occasions. It has been wonderful! Living in Christ is so fulfilling! His intentions for us (though sometimes quite painful at first) are wonderful and bring us such full life. You are probably thinking that all of this is a no brainer, right! I know, I should know this put my husband above myself stuff by now. Honestly though, I have been living so deeply in my flesh I have been incapable of living that way. It's not until I surrendered to Christ living His life through me that there was strength enough to make "others first" choices.

The lies that I have believing in this flesh pattern are:

I have the right to protect myself.
No one else is looking out for me-I should look out for myself.
This is just my personality-Matt has to understand that!
God is not trustworthy with my emotional or physical safety.

The Truth is:
I do not need to protect myself. God has taken that yoke from me and I can trust Him with all of me and all of my life. This is not my "new self" in Christ that needs to self-preserve. That is the old Dani that was crucified with Christ on the cross. The new Dani has all of the care and protection needed...In Christ! God is, always has been, and always will be trustworthy with my emotional and physical safety. He does not promise me physical security, but does promise to be with me always and work all things for good in my life. Because of the faith of Christ in me, i will believe that to be true and rest because God is good, God is big, and He is trustworthy!

Thanks to Much Afraid and an amazing God, life gets fuller and fuller around here! Don't our attitudes and beliefs affect our families so much? It's incredible to watch God bless my family by blessing me with a transformed heart!

The Disciple Whom Jesus Loved

I have often times in my life been confused about this description of John in the Bible. It has made me wonder if John was Jesus' favorite and how the other disciples must of felt jealous.

In the past few months, the Holy Spirit has removed the veil on this point and it has really touched my heart.

John wasn't a favorite, John's identity had been transformed. The reference of Jesus loving John has nothing to do with favorites, but has to do with John receiving His great love and attaching it more to his identity than his own name! He no longer saw himself as John, but he was changed to the disciple whom Jesus loved. Wow. So that is true for all of us. Yet I say, I am Dani. Stay at home mom of three and wife of a traveling communicator. I love to dance, I love to read, I love my church, etc.

When my first thought of who I am is "In Christ. A child that He dearly loves," I believe my life will be even more transformed. He is doing this in me, and I am so grateful!

Six Random Things about Me

6 Things - I was Tagged by Celena.

So here are 6 random things about me:

1. I have an 8 month old baby and my body makes an incredible amount of breast milk. So much that I am unable to nurse without taking some sort of medication to slow the factory. I pump instead! My body somehow missed the memo that with each delivery I have delivered only 1 baby! It seems to think that I have 3 at a time!

2. I have experienced a miraculous healing from God. Not a slow recovery sort of thing, but an instantaneous miracle. I lived with an eating disorder for about 6 years. One day in my apartment bedroom I looked in the mirror as a sick child. I saw a distorted image and I was emotionally and mentally sick in my eating, binging, and body image. I fell to my knees and cried out to God for healing. When I rose, I was completely healed. Emotionally and mentally-my eyes saw a completely different figure in the mirror than I had seen 30 minutes earlier. I have had a healthy relationship with food and my body ever since (10 years)! Praise God.

3. I have a love/hate relationship with being a stay-at-home-mom. I love my children and spending time with them. I love being with them as they discover and grow. I love knowing them so well because I spend so much time with them. I enjoy eating with them, playing with them, laughing with them, snuggling with them, teaching them, etc. I just don't like doing it alone all of the time! If I had the money I would pay a nanny to come and be my friend-at-home! I love being alone other times...just not working alone! Go figure. I renew my mind often with the truth that I am not alone. God is with me and I can experience Him during the day at home with my kids!

4. My marriage has gotten so much better in the past 3 years. The one thing we can connect the improvement to is that we both QUIT TRYING! We quit trying to meet each other's needs and quit trying to get the other to meet our own needs. We started believing and experiencing the truth that all of our needs are met in Christ and boy, marriage is good! :)

5. I love to be organized, but I am too much of a scatterbrain to get organized! It's the biggest conflict in my life. :)

6. God provides for our family's financial needs on a month to month basis. My husband quit his job as a youth pastor and started LIFe Ministries about 2 years ago. We have been living on support ever since. At times it is so hard, but it has been revolutionary for my faith. I always believed The Gospel because I felt that I had nothing to lose. Now, I have everything to lose (my family's basic needs!) and God is teaching me to believe and trust because He Is, not because I have nothing to lose! I still tend to get into the mind frame that our supporters provide for us and I become afraid that they will stop and we will not get paid. This has happened a few times (a supporter has stopped giving) and that is when God teaches me that it is Him providing, not our supporters. We have been paid during every pay period for almost 2 years now...why would I stop believing?! Just as He did with Thomas, He has given me all the proof I need to believe His promises always.

TAG YOUR IT! :)

High Heels in High Places
Life's Little Adventures
Days and Times of the Sundbergs
Learning Dependence-My Hubby
Poppyseeds
Simply "Jenn"-sational


Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the person who tagged you know your entry is up.

And of course, this is just fun. If you don't have time or just don't want to-no pressure :)

Broken Humans

I love this quote from The Shack:

"Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them, but that will neither fill them nor free them."

I am deeply attached to the things in my life that seem good to me. God is gently tearing me away from my good things to show me His good things. I see the light at the end. A life filled with His good which is the only real good. My part is moment by moment surrender to Him and cooperation with His good work.

I will never experience freedom or be satisfied until I look to God and receive His fullness. I am not sure why I continue to go back to the yoke of slavery of looking to others and things for my filling. This is one of those good works that God is doing in me that is rather painful. Allowing all of my "good" things to fail, so that I may receive His goodness and really live.

Alive

Those of us who believe in Jesus Christ for our salvation and life have been made new. The Bible tells us that the old self has died with Christ and we have been raised with Him to walk in Life! That is The Good News to those of us who believe!



"How shall we who died to sin still live in it?" Romans 6:2

"If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world..." Colossians 2:20

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me."
Galatians 2:20

Why then do we live much of the time as if our old self is still alive? Do any of you experience this? The same old sins, same old struggles, same old feelings about yourself and God? I frequently experience this and feel so very frustrated about it. Paul experienced this also when he said that he does what he does not want to do, and he does not do what he wants to do...what conflict!!!

Since we are alive with Christ and have His life ready to flow in us and through us, then why is it our stinky old flesh coming out over and over?

One answer that God has revealed to me consistenly throughout my life is this:

My sweet child, I do not work for your glory.

Ouch. I really didn't think I was out for my own glory, but after the Lord revealed this my eyes could finally see. I wanted (in my flesh of course) to be changed for my own glory. I wanted God to make me wise so others would say, "Dani is so wise." I wanted God to make me kind. I wanted to hear from others, "Dani is so sweet and kind. I sure love her." I wanted God to make me intelligent so others would come to me for advice or information. I wanted God to make me the perfect parent so my children would love and appreciate me and others would say, "You are such an awersome mother." I wanted to gain significance from those around me so badly. I was so thirsty for affirmation and value. I wanted it from the world around me. Again...

My sweet child, I do not work for your glory. I will not fix your flesh to make you wonderful to the world. I will break your flesh so the world may see Me through you and glorify your Father in Heaven. Find your self in me alone.

God has been speaking this message to me for over 2 years. Slowly but surely I am beginning to internalize it and accept it. I am thankful that He has not fixed my flesh into something attractive and beautiful to the world, but taught me to deny my flesh and surrender to His life. After all, that is THE PURPOSE for my life. To live in union with Him. His life in me and His life through me in the world.

The significance, worth, value, and affirmation that I need will come from God alone. Only then will I be satisfied with who I am. When I accept that what the world thinks of me is irrelevant. What God thinks of me is everything. He has spoken very clearly in His word that He sees me and loves me. In Christ I am acceptable, significant, valuable, loved, and loveable. In Him I can rest in that fact that I am His treasured child and that is more than ENOUGH!

What a relief. The world never could give enough to satisfy those needs, but God completely fills and satisfies. He is what I need-He is all I need.

As I rest in this truth day by day, moment by moment I see the new self! I see Him living His life through me and what a beautiful thing. He is so good!

Walking Worthy

Colossians 1 tells us to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. My parents pastor, Rick, spoke of this on Sunday. Who of us is really able to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord? None of us are living sinless lives and not one of us is worthy. He is the only one worthy.

That is why God designed us to receive Him and be full of His life. When we are full of His life, His life will "walk" out of our lives and we will then be capable of walking in a manner worthy of Him. Only with His life in us and through us are we able to complete this instruction.

That is how all of God's Word is designed. It brings us to a place of "I can't" so He can show us how wonderfully HE CAN! It's a beautiful paradox that in all of the instructions, we are not created or intended to carry it out. We have been created to surrender our will, our rights, our striving, our efforts, our abilities, our opinions, our judgments, our praise, our everything to Him and in His love and life He is completely faithful, trustworthy, and good.

One of the hardest areas for me to surrender is the protection of my children. I think deep down I have not trusted God with my kids. I have seen and heard of too many children suffering to let go of my children and trust Him with them.

What He is teaching me is that when I surrender my children to His care, He does not promise me physical protection for them. He promises to hold them, care for them, and to never leave them. So when I let go of them into His loving care, I do that knowing that He will hold them for eternity. That He loves them more than I do, and that He will finish the work He started in them.

It is so incredibly difficult for me, but the pride of thinking I can do a better job is a lie that is destructive for me and my family.

Today I trust that through me and many other avenues, God is with my children. The truth is that He loves them deeply and He will never let them go. He knows how many hairs are on their heads, and when a bunch of them come out with the ponytail, He knows that, too! :) He holds them when they are sad, He whispers truth into their minds, and He knows the plans He has for them. For a great hope and a future. I know He will work all things for their (spiritual) good and lead them into a rich and intimate relationship with Him.

I am not capable of walking in a manner worthy of the Lord, but His life in me and through me is completely capable and sufficient. I lack nothing, for He has filled me. As I continue this journey to surrender, I pray that I will embrace every opportunity He brings me to surrender my will, rights, opinions, desires, comforts, and fears. I choose to rest, trust Him, and enjoy this abundant life He came to give.

Let's enjoy today Christ in us, the hope of glory.

Ministry Post

I posted my first blog on our Y-LIFe Ministry blogspot (http://www.liveinfreedom-ylife.blogspot.com/) if you want to check it out. Matt's been wanting me to post on it for a while, so I finally did it!

We are having a great time in Oregon with Papa and Mimi!

My Rights

Our missions pastor, Tim, has given incredible sermons for the past two weeks.

This week he talked about how we are holding things so tightly in our fists. In one fist, holds the negative fleshy stuff that we know we need to get rid of. Pride, selfishness, greed, gossip, etc. In the other fist, we are squeezing all of the "good things" that we really think we ought to hold on to. I realized during that sermon that "my rights" are clenched so tightly in that fist holding the good things. I do not want to surrender my rights. This week has been an incredible week of me learning what it feels like to surrender even the good things...my rights, my dreams, my goals, my hard work, the things I "deserve," acceptance from others, comfort, my family, my house, my cars. Really, everything. Christ was crucified and I was crucified with Him. My old self is gone, yet I have a death grip on my old dreams and my old ways.
The more Christ leads me through this surrender, the better my life gets. Surrender is such a difficult and painful thing. Only He can do it in us as a work of grace.
A.W. Tozer, in The Pursuit of God, speaks of the deep root that is torn out of us when we surrender our self-life.
Self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us...to tear it away it to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. It is never fun to die...God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust.
The end result is so worth it though when we are finally able to experience the wonder and fullness of Christ's life in us and through us.

Lovely Day

I have had such a lovely day with my family. God's working in me to surrender on Sunday really has turned out to be a transforming experience. I have experienced today the joy and fulfillment of living in him...surrendering in the moment. That surrendering in the moment has been such dream of mine for a long time now, and He has now given me a taste of it. I pray I do not go back to the yoke of slavery, but rest on in this amazing Life He gives!

Going on three years in the Exchanged Life teaching and today it's an experience reality! Wow. Thank you Father! What a day.

Galatians 5:1
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."

Good Quote

I love this from The Shack...it is Jesus speaking.

"My life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my follower is not trying to 'be like Jesus,' it means for your independence to be killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We (The Trinity) will come and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But, we will never force that union on you."

To me this paints a beautiful picture of the dependent life. What a gift God has given us through Christ to live this life in Him and Him in us.

Parenting: Law or Grace?

God (through others) discipled Matt and I in the Exchanged Life/ChristLife/Abiding Life, etc. message almost 3 years ago. We have since then gained much head knowledge about the theology and have enjoyed the message as it seeps it's way through our hearts and family lives. As much as knowing this new theology has blessed our lives, I have not experienced this dependent life as a reality much at all. I believe it's right and I know it's great. I can see it's transforming impact as the renewing of my mind has had a huge impact on my life and family. I've hit a wall with it though. I have come to a place where the truth of the Exchanged Life message meets my way of living life and I cannot seem to break free from myself in order to come into this life that I know is available in Christ. He has already set me free from myself...it just has not yet become my experienced reality. Maybe because I have such a fierce death grip on my life, my self, my control, and my way.

I have been asking myself how this message will impact my mothering. In light of grace, how do I teach and care for these children that don't seem to ever obey just because they love me?? Reading The Shack today shed some light on that question that has been rolling around in my head for nearly 3 years. It talked about God wanting us to join the circle of the trinity relationship in mutual submission. Being people who will share life with Him and each other. Not slaves that are trained to obey. I believe this is the answer to this parenting question I have been pondering. God intends for our family to be one of great love...His love. When we are rooted in love, then we can as a family share life in grace with each other. We all love our children, so this shouldn't be that hard, right?! WRONG! We all love our children with a very human love. Human love is not enough to make this way of parenting work. His love is the only love grand enough to make a family unit run with out a law.

The only answer is to journey toward surrender of myself. If I hold onto my self-life and try to mother in grace and love, it will fail. My love is not big enough...my love will never quench the yearning my children have in their souls to be loved. They will continue to search and search if that is all I have to offer them. In my self-life I also hold on with great passion to the perceived control that I love so dearly. Through reading the Shack my eyes have been opened to how authoritarian I am. That is such a distorted way to parent and it is not from God. I keep my kids under my law. I want things the way I want them around here and I require obedience to keep everything running smoothly and peacefully. Only, it's a facade. It's not really smooth or peaceful. My children are not offered the love or peace of Christ when it's about my gain or my control.

It boils down to one thing. There is one way to mother in which my kids will reach their maximum potential...that is in Christ. I know that. It makes sense with the rest of the Christ-Life theology. It breaks down greatly when I won't surrender. I end up fluctuating between law, guilt, grace, and confusion. I am afraid of what will happen behavior wise if I do not keep rules...many of which are safety rules! I am afraid of giving up my control and surrendering completely to Christ.

The answer I have come to today is that I cannot be the mother I want to be. I cannot do it in my own strength. The only way to do it is to allow the love of God to run through my being. I cannot love them with that love until I give up. A quote from a Bill Loveless conference keeps coming back to my mind, "Are you done yet?" I know God is asking me that question. He is bringing me to a place in which it is very clear that I cannot mother the girls in the way I know is right and good for them. I cannot be the person I want to be. He can. I believe that He will, but I do not believe that He will fight me for the control. I have to give it up, so that He can give the very best to me and my kids.

When I really think about it, it's not even about parenting. For me it's about living in Christ and the parenting will be taken care of. Instead of focusing on living in Christ, my focus for 5 years now has been on being a great mother. I have just been miserable on and off as I realize the failure I have been. When will I be done trying to be a great mother, so that God through me can be the perfect mother? Let's hope it's soon. I will try to keep blogging about the journey.

If I Only Had a Green Nose

Have any of you ever read Max Lucado's children's book titled If I Only Had a Green Nose? It's about a little wooden character that gives into the wooden people society pressure to paint his nose green, just to find out they have changed the color and it has to be redone. In the end Eli, his maker, re-finishes his nose, but it is quite painful to be sanded down.

I think this book comes to my mind daily as I have many things in my life that resemble Punchinello's desire to paint his nose green. In the book, it's obvious that the people wanting to paint their noses green because others are doing it is silly. Then to watch them all change the color at the whim of one trendsetter is quite ridiculous. However, isn't that the same thing we do in the world of trends and styles? I get so wrapped up in trying to look pretty or stylish or be comfortable that I really believe the lies that I need more stylish clothes, or new shoes, or a different car. I am especially bad at always wanting more for the girls...of course stuff that I have decided they really need.

The Truth is that our family has everything we need and more. If we truly need anything else, the Lord will provide it. If He does not provide it, then we do not need it. Instead of letting this Truth set me free from my "want worm" (as my dear friend Crystal called it years ago) I choose to try to tell God what we need. I ask and I ask and I ask. Then when He does not provide what I decided we need, I am let down and disappointed.

We were never intended to measure what we need. We were and are designed to trust in the only One who meets every need.

I have begun to alter my prayers to be more like this, "Lord, I trust that when we need a different car, you will provide a different car. In the meantime, I praise you for your complete provisions for me and my family. I choose to trust you. I choose to surrender my wants, rest in your provisions, and enjoy Your Life you have put in me."

Renewing my mind by speaking the Truth of who God is really does set me free. I am free to enjoy life moment by moment instead of being wrapped up in wants and worries. The Truth of Christ is so powerful in us in every moment!

Old Post

Matt just dug up this old Xanga post that I wrote almost 2 years ago. It's sad to read about my parenting mistakes, but it's also super neat to see the work God was doing in me. He was and continues to do a huge work in me by teaching me to live with Him as my Source. I'm excited to report that the more I surrender my life and parenting to His control, the better parent I become. I have quit trying to be perfect and I have quit asking Him to make me perfect. I have started the journey to resting in Him as my Source for life and my Source for being a mommy to three precious little girls. I am incredibly thankful for all three of them-they bless my life in so many ways!

May 24, 2006

FAILURE...

i am at peace with this new perspective on failure...

for so many years i have beat myself up over failure. i am a half-perfectionist. a negative perfectionist that gets down on myself when i fail. especially when i fail in motherhood. any type of failure is difficult for me though...as it is for most of us. i run relationship failures over and over and just wish i could have "do-overs" half of the time. i value friendships and relationships and get very down when i do things to mess them up.

today, i messed up big time with A. i started my day today with a major chip on my shoulder and negative perspective. S is teething, so she's crying and throwing fits often throughout the day. A was her normal little self. her days are FULL of testing! it's usally ok, and i respond accordingly. today though, with S and A combined, i just felt so angry. so, i yelled at A this morning. i rarely yell at her, so it really hurts her feelings. i was so tired of her constant need for supervision. if i don't watch her for a minute, she's into something off limits. as much as i have babyproofed this house...A proofing is not possible!!! ok, i know she's 2 and this stuff is par for the course with a 2 year old...but that was not my perspective today. so, i yelled at her. not just once, but a few times over a 15-20 minute time period. she said, "mommy, you're making me sad!." the normal response of a parent would be regret and softening of heart, but no i yelled at her again. wow, poor little thing. in my world, this morning was a HUGE failure. everything that i want to be as a parent out the window.

but here's the exciting part, (now that i've written too, long.) i didn't beat myself up about it. woohoo! i realized that apart from God, that is the kind of parent i am...it's my tendency. i am not to get discouraged and try to perfect myself, but i am to give over the control and the parenting to God and let Him in all of His goodness, fruit and perfection have control over me. the surrender of my perfectionism has been a big one. surrender to the fact that He will never perfect me, but He will be perfect in me! wow, for me that has been freedom. so, instead of feeling depressed and sad today, i take it as an opportunity to rely on Him yet again. to once again give up my parenting ideals and expectations and let God have us all.

so, now that you all feel sorry for A...so do i. i told her today that i would stop trying to be in charge and i'd try to let God be in charge...life is MUCH better for all of us that way!!

OBEDIENCE

Matt posted a while ago on this song that A was learning at preschool...

O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E
Obedience is the very best way
To show that you believe.

Do exactly as the Lord commands
Do it joyfully...

That's all I know of it!

Matt really dislikes that song and was disapointed that it is the one she really learned. S even learned it from listening! You should check out his post!

Today I was talking to an awesome friend about the subject of obedience and how to balance living in grace and living obedient lives.

Tonight at our youth Ephesians study at our house, we talked about it more! It's been a theme...

The conclusion that we have come to has to do with the root of the disobedience. If we take the two trees in the Garden of Eden. One being the Tree of Life and the other being the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The Tree of Life signifies living in complete dependence on God in faith. The other signifies living independently of God in our own self-sufficiency. We develop flesh patterns and rely on our own coping mechanisms instead of the sufficiency of God's grace in us.

My conclusion today was that the act of obedience begins at dependence on Christ and rest in His sufficiency (Tree of Life). As soon as I begin to live in my own flesh and self-sufficiency (other tree) I enter into sin and disobedience. So the actual sin comes before the "sin" that is more recognizable. Example: At home with my kids I am thinking this is a great day and I can be a great mom today. So I enter into disobedience if I am thinking that in my strength I can be a great mom today. The Bible says that apart from Him we can do nothing and that anything done outside of faith is sin. The reacting to my children in a harsh way is a resulting sin from the original sin of living independently from Him. Yet, the sin I choose to address is often the harsh words to the girls. Then begins a cycle of wanting myself and God to "fix" my flesh. God has told me time and time again..."I will not make your flesh attractive. I will not fix your flesh, but I am victorious over your flesh and will live an attractive life through you as you depend and surrender." Rest, dependence, surrender...by His grace I do these things. Living out the Christian life and fulfilling the law...He does these things through me. He takes my heavy burdens and exchanges them for a light one. One of rest and trust in a loving, faithful, trustworthy Daddy. His grace is sufficient for me. I think I'll post that verse on my mirror!

Also, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil has a good side and can produce fruit that looks good. But, not in complete dependence on God, it is sin. I often eat off of that tree in self-sufficiency and think I am obeying because the fruit looks good...

New Day

Today has been much better. Baby is sleeping and girls are in room time as a consequence for all of the screaming/fighting last night. It's nice to have a little down time! :)

Learning to rest in Christ despite circumstances is quite a ride!

Bedtime

There are moments in parenting that are simply indescribable. Tonight was that for me. If I even tried to put into words what was going on in this house...I could not do it justice.

I walked out of my peaceful girls room at 7:30 tonight. I read books to them from 7:00-7:30 in hopes that they would wind down and they did. They were worn out, tired, and ready to sleep...now I sit here at 10:00 on the verge of tears. They are finally all asleep. I held it together while I dealt with them, but now I feel like I might fall apart.

At the moment, my self-talk goes like this:

They are children. Pushing the limits is part of their development...right?! I can respond-not react. Christ lives in me, He knows them, He knows what is happening in their hearts. He knows what they need and don't need. He knows me. He knows what I need and don't need. Only He can give me peace in the midst of the last two hours and the rest of the weekend...and life with children.

Don't get me wrong-I love my children deeply. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but tonight, once again God has shown me that I can't possibly be the great mother that I want to be. In my self and flesh I am simply not equipped to deal with the degree of problems here. I am thankful that my children consistently bring me to the place of I CAN'T. That is an awesome conclusion because HE CAN. He will and I will trust Him to do exactly what they need as I rest in Him. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For my yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matthew 11:28-30

No matter what it is in each of our lives that is beyond our ability...we can all find rest for our souls in Christ.

I surrender my control of my kids to Him. I trust Him to get it done...well! I will rest in His sufficiency.


"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me." I Corinthians 12:9