I love God

For many years I have had tall, thick, strong walls up around my heart. I built these walls out of fear. I knew that if people really knew me they would not love or accept me, so I hid out behind my walls (or inside my turtle shell.)

I have feared rejection, disappointing others, not being good enough, fun enough, or nice enough. I have always felt that I am unworthy of love and acceptance. I have kind of isolated myself emotionally in order to protect myself.

That kind of life is a very sad and lonely life. Over the years friends have broken through the walls and reached me emotionally. When I would have a friend this close to me, I would relax and really be "myself." These friendships never lasted long. From my perspective, soon after being authentic, these friends would see the real me and not like it. Many friendships ended this way, but a handful held on. They proved my theory wrong and loved me despite my flaws...which can be rather ugly at times!

So, I have a handful of people that I feel very accepted by and loved by. I can be myself, bad days and all, and know that these people love me.

These friends have walked with me as I learn to receive from God and relate with Him in a love relationship.

For many years I have said of myself, I have blocked off love from my life. I don't love...I don't receive love including love from God. I believed about myself that I didn't love others or God and that I was incapable of receiving love from anyone. I know, LIES!

What a ridiculous lie, right?! I think so, yet I believed it for almost a decade of my life and let it destroy relationships and rob me from experiencing the love of God and His love through others in my life.

For some reason loving my kids has always been the exception. I didn't understand why, but I was always able to experience and give much love to them.

This Sunday at church, Kyle was leading and we were singing Savior King by Hillsong. We sang (not completely sure of all the words), "I love you, Lord! I worship you. You are our God. You alone are good. You asked your Son, to carry this. The heavy cross our weight of sin. I give my life. To honor thee. The love of Christ. The Savior King!"

As we started to sing that chorus, I thought, "I can't sing this. I don't really love God." I often think this type of thing during worship. I'm standing there analyzing whether or not what I am saying is true. Often it leads me to stop singing and pray. This time I stopped singing for a moment until the Spirit of God worked powerfully in my mind. These are the thoughts he renewed my mind with:

"Of course you love God. The enemy had held you down with that lie for too long. It is time for you to believe the truth about yourself and about me. I am in you and I AM. I am love. I am good. I am everything you need. You love God, because I love. You don't experience this love for God on a daily basis because of the lies you believe about Him and yourself. Enjoy this song, because what is true about you is that YOU LOVE GOD! Enjoy Him. He is worthy of your praise. He is so good and true. He is love. Your old self didn't love. You were not capable of true love. Your new identity Is Love. Live in it-in Him."

So the true thing about me is that I am 100% capable of giving and receiving love with God and with others around me! This lie has held me back for so long and I am now able to experience the freedom and love that has been mine in Christ since I was 7 years old and asked Him to be Lord of my life. Wow, I will never believe that lie again! It has been exposed by the Spirit for what it is and I am so happy to be residing in love now. It's wonderful.

This inability to experience love relationships was all in my mind. It was in my belief systems. Which is why I have always been able to love my kids. In my mind I knew that my kids HAD TO HAVE love from me. I believed that I had to love them-it wasn't a choice. I believed I could, so I did.

Understanding my relationship with love In Christ enables me to love them with the love that they really need and needed all along. The love of God. He is love, He lives in me, and He loves through me. For years, my kids have received love given from me off of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I knew what I had to do and I did my best in my own strength. Now, they are receiving the real fruit of love from the Tree of Life. God loving them through me and it has made a huge difference in their lives. I can see His love transform them. I can see His love touch them deeply in a way mine never could. I see His faithfulness in my life, in my family and I am so thankful.

I am a being of love! I receive His love and He gives His love through me. It's a beautiful way to live in relationships...He is so beautiful.

And concerning my fear of rejection and belief that I am unlovable...those are fears built on lies. Me believing that my old self has not died. Me living in the truth of my flesh instead of the truth of who He is in me and who I am in Him. I am secure, loved, accepted, and acceptable. His goodness in me is enough. His life in me is more good than I could ever produce. I will live in my new self-the character of God placed in me and given to others through me. I will rest in His goodness-thanking Him that I do not have to produce goodness on my own. His goodness and grace are sufficient for me.

"As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." Colossians 2:6

AMEN!

Parenting: Law or Grace?

God (through others) discipled Matt and I in the Exchanged Life/ChristLife/Abiding Life, etc. message almost 3 years ago. We have since then gained much head knowledge about the theology and have enjoyed the message as it seeps it's way through our hearts and family lives. As much as knowing this new theology has blessed our lives, I have not experienced this dependent life as a reality much at all. I believe it's right and I know it's great. I can see it's transforming impact as the renewing of my mind has had a huge impact on my life and family. I've hit a wall with it though. I have come to a place where the truth of the Exchanged Life message meets my way of living life and I cannot seem to break free from myself in order to come into this life that I know is available in Christ. He has already set me free from myself...it just has not yet become my experienced reality. Maybe because I have such a fierce death grip on my life, my self, my control, and my way.

I have been asking myself how this message will impact my mothering. In light of grace, how do I teach and care for these children that don't seem to ever obey just because they love me?? Reading The Shack today shed some light on that question that has been rolling around in my head for nearly 3 years. It talked about God wanting us to join the circle of the trinity relationship in mutual submission. Being people who will share life with Him and each other. Not slaves that are trained to obey. I believe this is the answer to this parenting question I have been pondering. God intends for our family to be one of great love...His love. When we are rooted in love, then we can as a family share life in grace with each other. We all love our children, so this shouldn't be that hard, right?! WRONG! We all love our children with a very human love. Human love is not enough to make this way of parenting work. His love is the only love grand enough to make a family unit run with out a law.

The only answer is to journey toward surrender of myself. If I hold onto my self-life and try to mother in grace and love, it will fail. My love is not big enough...my love will never quench the yearning my children have in their souls to be loved. They will continue to search and search if that is all I have to offer them. In my self-life I also hold on with great passion to the perceived control that I love so dearly. Through reading the Shack my eyes have been opened to how authoritarian I am. That is such a distorted way to parent and it is not from God. I keep my kids under my law. I want things the way I want them around here and I require obedience to keep everything running smoothly and peacefully. Only, it's a facade. It's not really smooth or peaceful. My children are not offered the love or peace of Christ when it's about my gain or my control.

It boils down to one thing. There is one way to mother in which my kids will reach their maximum potential...that is in Christ. I know that. It makes sense with the rest of the Christ-Life theology. It breaks down greatly when I won't surrender. I end up fluctuating between law, guilt, grace, and confusion. I am afraid of what will happen behavior wise if I do not keep rules...many of which are safety rules! I am afraid of giving up my control and surrendering completely to Christ.

The answer I have come to today is that I cannot be the mother I want to be. I cannot do it in my own strength. The only way to do it is to allow the love of God to run through my being. I cannot love them with that love until I give up. A quote from a Bill Loveless conference keeps coming back to my mind, "Are you done yet?" I know God is asking me that question. He is bringing me to a place in which it is very clear that I cannot mother the girls in the way I know is right and good for them. I cannot be the person I want to be. He can. I believe that He will, but I do not believe that He will fight me for the control. I have to give it up, so that He can give the very best to me and my kids.

When I really think about it, it's not even about parenting. For me it's about living in Christ and the parenting will be taken care of. Instead of focusing on living in Christ, my focus for 5 years now has been on being a great mother. I have just been miserable on and off as I realize the failure I have been. When will I be done trying to be a great mother, so that God through me can be the perfect mother? Let's hope it's soon. I will try to keep blogging about the journey.

Old Post

Matt just dug up this old Xanga post that I wrote almost 2 years ago. It's sad to read about my parenting mistakes, but it's also super neat to see the work God was doing in me. He was and continues to do a huge work in me by teaching me to live with Him as my Source. I'm excited to report that the more I surrender my life and parenting to His control, the better parent I become. I have quit trying to be perfect and I have quit asking Him to make me perfect. I have started the journey to resting in Him as my Source for life and my Source for being a mommy to three precious little girls. I am incredibly thankful for all three of them-they bless my life in so many ways!

May 24, 2006

FAILURE...

i am at peace with this new perspective on failure...

for so many years i have beat myself up over failure. i am a half-perfectionist. a negative perfectionist that gets down on myself when i fail. especially when i fail in motherhood. any type of failure is difficult for me though...as it is for most of us. i run relationship failures over and over and just wish i could have "do-overs" half of the time. i value friendships and relationships and get very down when i do things to mess them up.

today, i messed up big time with A. i started my day today with a major chip on my shoulder and negative perspective. S is teething, so she's crying and throwing fits often throughout the day. A was her normal little self. her days are FULL of testing! it's usally ok, and i respond accordingly. today though, with S and A combined, i just felt so angry. so, i yelled at A this morning. i rarely yell at her, so it really hurts her feelings. i was so tired of her constant need for supervision. if i don't watch her for a minute, she's into something off limits. as much as i have babyproofed this house...A proofing is not possible!!! ok, i know she's 2 and this stuff is par for the course with a 2 year old...but that was not my perspective today. so, i yelled at her. not just once, but a few times over a 15-20 minute time period. she said, "mommy, you're making me sad!." the normal response of a parent would be regret and softening of heart, but no i yelled at her again. wow, poor little thing. in my world, this morning was a HUGE failure. everything that i want to be as a parent out the window.

but here's the exciting part, (now that i've written too, long.) i didn't beat myself up about it. woohoo! i realized that apart from God, that is the kind of parent i am...it's my tendency. i am not to get discouraged and try to perfect myself, but i am to give over the control and the parenting to God and let Him in all of His goodness, fruit and perfection have control over me. the surrender of my perfectionism has been a big one. surrender to the fact that He will never perfect me, but He will be perfect in me! wow, for me that has been freedom. so, instead of feeling depressed and sad today, i take it as an opportunity to rely on Him yet again. to once again give up my parenting ideals and expectations and let God have us all.

so, now that you all feel sorry for A...so do i. i told her today that i would stop trying to be in charge and i'd try to let God be in charge...life is MUCH better for all of us that way!!

OBEDIENCE

Matt posted a while ago on this song that A was learning at preschool...

O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E
Obedience is the very best way
To show that you believe.

Do exactly as the Lord commands
Do it joyfully...

That's all I know of it!

Matt really dislikes that song and was disapointed that it is the one she really learned. S even learned it from listening! You should check out his post!

Today I was talking to an awesome friend about the subject of obedience and how to balance living in grace and living obedient lives.

Tonight at our youth Ephesians study at our house, we talked about it more! It's been a theme...

The conclusion that we have come to has to do with the root of the disobedience. If we take the two trees in the Garden of Eden. One being the Tree of Life and the other being the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The Tree of Life signifies living in complete dependence on God in faith. The other signifies living independently of God in our own self-sufficiency. We develop flesh patterns and rely on our own coping mechanisms instead of the sufficiency of God's grace in us.

My conclusion today was that the act of obedience begins at dependence on Christ and rest in His sufficiency (Tree of Life). As soon as I begin to live in my own flesh and self-sufficiency (other tree) I enter into sin and disobedience. So the actual sin comes before the "sin" that is more recognizable. Example: At home with my kids I am thinking this is a great day and I can be a great mom today. So I enter into disobedience if I am thinking that in my strength I can be a great mom today. The Bible says that apart from Him we can do nothing and that anything done outside of faith is sin. The reacting to my children in a harsh way is a resulting sin from the original sin of living independently from Him. Yet, the sin I choose to address is often the harsh words to the girls. Then begins a cycle of wanting myself and God to "fix" my flesh. God has told me time and time again..."I will not make your flesh attractive. I will not fix your flesh, but I am victorious over your flesh and will live an attractive life through you as you depend and surrender." Rest, dependence, surrender...by His grace I do these things. Living out the Christian life and fulfilling the law...He does these things through me. He takes my heavy burdens and exchanges them for a light one. One of rest and trust in a loving, faithful, trustworthy Daddy. His grace is sufficient for me. I think I'll post that verse on my mirror!

Also, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil has a good side and can produce fruit that looks good. But, not in complete dependence on God, it is sin. I often eat off of that tree in self-sufficiency and think I am obeying because the fruit looks good...

New Day

Today has been much better. Baby is sleeping and girls are in room time as a consequence for all of the screaming/fighting last night. It's nice to have a little down time! :)

Learning to rest in Christ despite circumstances is quite a ride!

Bedtime

There are moments in parenting that are simply indescribable. Tonight was that for me. If I even tried to put into words what was going on in this house...I could not do it justice.

I walked out of my peaceful girls room at 7:30 tonight. I read books to them from 7:00-7:30 in hopes that they would wind down and they did. They were worn out, tired, and ready to sleep...now I sit here at 10:00 on the verge of tears. They are finally all asleep. I held it together while I dealt with them, but now I feel like I might fall apart.

At the moment, my self-talk goes like this:

They are children. Pushing the limits is part of their development...right?! I can respond-not react. Christ lives in me, He knows them, He knows what is happening in their hearts. He knows what they need and don't need. He knows me. He knows what I need and don't need. Only He can give me peace in the midst of the last two hours and the rest of the weekend...and life with children.

Don't get me wrong-I love my children deeply. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but tonight, once again God has shown me that I can't possibly be the great mother that I want to be. In my self and flesh I am simply not equipped to deal with the degree of problems here. I am thankful that my children consistently bring me to the place of I CAN'T. That is an awesome conclusion because HE CAN. He will and I will trust Him to do exactly what they need as I rest in Him. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For my yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matthew 11:28-30

No matter what it is in each of our lives that is beyond our ability...we can all find rest for our souls in Christ.

I surrender my control of my kids to Him. I trust Him to get it done...well! I will rest in His sufficiency.


"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me." I Corinthians 12:9

THE Shoes

We skipped nap today and headed to the mall to get a few things. I was looking for a pair of dressy heals, so A, S, and I were hanging out at one of those sale shoe racks in Macy's. I found a silver pair with jewels in my size that were similar to what I was looking for. A found the same shoe in a smaller size and told me that she wanted to buy shoes like that for her married. I said the famous, "Oh, that sounds good," and we went on with our shopping.

On our way out of the mall we walked by the shoe rack again to show Matt the shoes I found. Ania looked and looked for the one she found, because she had to try it on again and show Daddy. She finally found it and the conversation with Matt went something like this...

"I really want to buy this shoe, but I can't find the other foot!"
"They don't keep the left shoe out here sweetie, this is the only one."
"How do I buy it then?"
"Well, we are not going to buy this shoe today. They will keep the other one in the back until someone else buys it."
"But I am wearing it to my married!" At this point she was starting to panic.
"I'm sure you will find another one when you're getting married. We can't get that one today."
Sadly she answered, "I think someone else is going to buy it before I get married."
"Yes, someone else will probably buy it, but you will find another one to go with your wedding dress when it's time to get married."

Matt walked away and A stood there holding the shoe...staring at it. She was having an extremely hard time parting with it. Then, she had an idea and excitedly walked over to Matt...

"Daddy, may I please buy this shoe now and save it for my married?"
"Sweetie, we don't know if it will fit when you get married. Also, you don't know if it will match the dress you pick out!"
"I AM WEARING MOMMY'S WEDDING DRESS! This matches perfectwy!"
"I know you love that shoe A, but you are going to have to wait this time. You don't need it right now. When it is time for you to get married, we'll go pick out some very pretty shoes."
Her response was a very sad, "Okay."

I so wanted to buy her the shoes! :)

A grieved for the shoe for a few minutes, and then thankfully got over it when we let her push L's stroller around!

What a cutie!

Bugs

Since S asked Jesus into her heart, she has been quite taken with the idea of heaven. Today she found three dead bugs. Each time she bends over and studies it, then the conversation goes like this.
"Mommy, see this bug?"
"Yes."
"This bug is killed."
"Yes, that's too bad."
"Oh, I hope he goes to heaven! Will he go to heaven Mommy?"
Man, that question is hard to answer. Especially with this sweet little 2-year-old staring at me with big sad eyes!
I answer,
"I don't know sweetheart. I do know that God cares for everything He makes."
Then she walks around the house saying, "Yea, yea, okay. God cares for everything He Makes. Yea, yea."

Happy Birthday

Little S decided Saturday to ask Jesus into her heart. She is the very same age A was when she made the decision. With both of them we held back thinking they were too young to understand it all and make the decision. God has given them such pure faith and it's exciting to see them respond to Him. They have responded to Him so differently according to their different personalities; it's been lovely to watch. They are too young and uninhibited to hide His voice or activity in their lives. They don't explain away His voice and it's exciting to teach them at these young ages what He "sounds" like!

Sunday we had a little birthday celebration for her with cupcakes and Happy Birthday!

Tonight S was telling Nana about her decision. She was trying to spit out, "Jesus made me brand new on the inside." She was having a bit of trouble getting in out. A was standing behind her shouting, "She's been washed by the bwood of the Wamb, Nana! Nana! She's been washed by the bwood of the Wamb!"

Stu

I was reading a comment on my Stormado post and responding to it tonight. It reminded me of a story from this summer when A was asking a lot about God, death, Heaven, etc. She has always expressed a lot of excitement whenever we talk about going to heaven and being with Jesus. She has a sincere childlike love for God and Jesus and really looks forward to sleeping in the room that Jesus will prepare for her. :) She is always asking if He will stay in the room with her. This summer she was all excited to go to heaven, then she got quiet for a while. About ten minutes later she said, "Mommy, I really want to go see Jesus, but I will really miss Stu!" (Stu is a buddy of hers that she loves dearly...obviously!) At the age of 4 boys are already on the mind! Wow. She decided that she and Stu needed to die at the same time so they could go to heaven together. I guess she'll have to take that one up with God!

Stormado

Both of our girls were a little nervous tonight about the storm going through our area. The news was mentioning tornadoes and dangerous hail/winds. A was asking over and over if we would go to our safe place and she wanted to be sure that we would take care of her. S was asking over and over if the "stormado" would break our windows. I absolutely LOVE two-year-old language.

Four-year-old language is actually pretty cute, too. We have this great Alan Jackson hymns cd in the car. The girls have two favorite songs on it: Washed by the Blood of the Lamb and I'll Fly Away. A was singing along tonight...
"Are you washed by the bwood of the Wamb? Are your garments spotwess? Are they white as snow. Are you washed by the bwood of the Wamb?
I'll fwy away oh gwory, I'll fwy away. When I die hawewujah by and by, I'll fwy away!"
I just love to hear their little voices singing the hymns and see their little heads bobbing around in the back seat! A waves her hands around while she sings and it looks like she's directing an imaginary choir!

Tonight A was too afraid to sleep, so we went downstairs and sat at a window to watch the storm. She said, "I just can't fweep. I'm too afraid. I'm thinking about Jesus and I'm not afraid of Jesus. I'm just afraid of the storm. I'm afraid it's going to break our house." Then she said, "Why does God send tornadoes?"

Uh...I wasn't prepared to answer that one! I told her I didn't know if God does send the tornadoes. We went upstairs to ask Daddy, but I'm not sure he was all that prepared to answer it either! Basically, he said that he wasn't sure if God sends tornadoes, but he does know that God is in control and plans good (not necessarily circumstantial good, but spiritual good) for us...

I would love to hear how you would have answered the question!

The World According to a 2 Year Old

My little 2 year old was climbing on her play kitchen when my dad was taking care of her. It's near a two-story window that is unfortunately low. My dad said, "S, are you allowed to climb on that?" S answered, "Yes! When Mommy and Daddy aren't heaw." Papa said, "Are you allowed to climb on that when Mommy and Daddy are here?" Exasperated she answered, "Noooo. Not when they are heaw. I allowed to play on it when they NOT heaw!"
Haha!

SuperMom!

Have any of you other mommies ever started a morning with a great plan to be a super mommy? I have. My self-talk goes a little like this...

"We're going to have such a fun day. I'll be empathetic with their little feelings, I'll get down on their level to deal with any issues and speak to them in a very kind voice. I'll spend my free moments giving them attention and play time instead of doing house work...etc." I get all pumped up thinking about what wonderful things are possible in the realm of being a stay at home mom.

Then reality hits. :) Pumping takes 45 minutes instead of 30 because L wouldn't nurse and a duct is plugged. Matt has an early meeting, so I don't have time to shower...S is ignoring my requests. A is telling me the way I should pour the milk. My response to all of this? Certainly not my super mom plan. I go to bed that night feeling more like the villian than the super hero. Maybe tomorrow I think. Tomorrow I will do better.

Only tomorrow morning is the same. Each day I have grand plans for the day. Some days I respond according to my super hero goal, but more often I respond poorly. I have gone to the Lord many times with this frustration. "Why can't I be better to them? I want so badly to be a great mommy, why do I fail so often?"

This is what I hear from Him during my listening times:

Relax child. Rest in my love.

You want me to fix YOU. I will not fix you so you can be a "great mom" and feel good about your performance. I will show you how much you need ME. I will not fix your "flesh," but I will be faithful to be a super mom through you. As you rest in my sufficiency as your children's parent, you will become a super mom. Not because of you, but because I am living through you as you mother your girls.

I am enough for you each moment of each day.
I am enough for your children each moment of each day.
I am enough for your marriage and matt each moment of each day.
I am simply enough. The sooner you believe that and rest in that truth, the sooner your girls will experience the kind of family life you desire for them. You cannot do it. I CAN.

So I start the next morning with these words in mind. I begin the day thinking, "Lord, you are enough for me. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness as a mother. I trust you to be what I need today. I trust you to be what my kids need today."

The difference is astounding. I can see His strength and love pouring out of me into my children's lives. All glory to God for the days my children get to experience His life through my life. What a gift. He is enough and when I give up and let Him express His life instead of trying to perform on my own-the results are wonderful!

Trustworthy

My little four year old is a super sweet little girl. We have so much fun together. She is helpful, fun, obedient...of course we have difficult moments, but overall she is SO much fun! It hasn't always been that way with her. We went through some extremely difficult times during her ones, twos and threes! It is a relief to be through those and really be able to enjoy time with her more. Life has generally gotten easier by the day since she was born!

One thing that has progressively gotten harder though is lying. Eeeek! Not a fun issue to deal with. We tell her that lying is a hurtful way to treat someone and we will not treat each other that way in our family...then she has to sit in a timeout. We have also added another element to our response.

A accepted Jesus the summer she turned three. We were unsure about it-thinking she was too young. Who are we to decide that though? God gave her the sweet little faith of a child and she responded to Him to the best of her understanding.

We are trying to teach her that when she is truthful, we and others will trust her to be truthful. When she consistently tells lies, then we and others lose trust in her truthfulness. In all of this we are constantly reminding her of the truth of who she is "in Christ." Since she has trusted Him as Lord, His Spirit lives in her and has united Himself with her. Therefore, she has the trustworthy nature of Christ as the core of who she is. She is no longer a sinner in her true identity, but she now can identify with Christ and His nature. Instead of telling her that she is not being trustworthy, we have changed our semantics. We say, "The truth is that you are trustworthy because Jesus lives in you and He is trustworthy. However, you are not making choices that go along with what is true about you. You are making untrustworthy choices."

So far, it has effected her. We have seen a decrease in the amount of lies she tells and we also feel a very intimate bond with her on an emotional level. Here is one of her lies from last night...

Matt and I went on our first real date since L was born!!! We had a really fun dinner out while my parents watched the three girls. They put the girls to bed and everything seemed ok. Then S had to go potty. Mimi had baby and Papa took her to the bathroom. When he brought S back to bed, A was standing in the middle of her bed. Papa said, "A, lay down and put your head on your pillow." She answered, "But Mommy lets me do this!" Papa, "Mommy lets you sleep standing up?" A, "Yes! Mommy lets me sleep standing up!" Haha!

Needless to say, Papa did not fall for this one and he asked her to lay her head on her pillow anyway. Mommy has said some crazy things according to my kids! :)

Ratio

The parent:child ratio in our house right now is awesome! My parents are visiting so we have more adults in the house than children. Plenty of arms and ears for all three kiddos. They are so excited to have their Mimi and Papa here. They got to have their tea party this morning before church...finally! They have been waiting months for it and they loved every minute of it.

Yesterday in the car on the way down to the Austin airport S was singing:

"What a mighty God we erve, what a mighty God we erve. Angels, heaven, what a mighty God we erve." So cute. I love little versions of these songs.

They ask Matt to play Never Let Go by Matt Redman most of the time and then sing along so passionately. It makes for a pretty fun ride.

It's going to be a fun week!

Dog Bite

A got bit by a dog in the mouth several weeks ago. We're not sure why neighbors let their dogs out in the neighborhood without leashes...

The Joys of Nursing my Third Child

The best parts of breastfeeding are that my baby gets awesome natural nutrition and it's relatively cheap...at least cheaper than formula. Add up the pump, hot water washing pump parts, milk storage bags, nursing pads, freezer/refrigerator for milk storage, etc and it's definitely not free! Anyway, I am thankful that my body produces a wonderful nutrient for my babies...:)

One of the worst parts is that my baby is on a nursing strike which means that my pump is my best friend. Because I spend so much time with my pump I feel like a cow...not a mommy bonding with baby. I have come to realize that she isn't going to nurse and my body is really not ever going to learn how much milk to make. My body is quite learning disabled and doesn't take the cues: when baby eats 5 oz...that means I only need to make 5 oz...not 15. Fifteen doesn't feel very good. :( Overproducing, mastitis, antibiotics, thrush, gentian violet, it's an ugly cycle.

This being my third child means that my body and pumping get analyzed by my older children. Everyday I get to answer question after question...why is that one hard and that one soft? Why are you pumping? Is that your wipple? Is it full? Is that milk for baby? Why are you pumping? Can I turn the pump off? Can I carry the bottle? Why are you pumping? Are you going to nurse baby? After the 20 questions I get the stare. Not at my eyes of course. I'm sitting there bonded with my pump looking at my four-year-old who is staring at my chest. Lovely, what a way to start the morning!

The other day we were visiting with a friend. I was nursing my newborn and look over and my two year old is sitting on the ground with her shirt up while my 4 year old is laying across her lap pretending to nurse. Wow, that was a fun one.

Tonight in the car my two year old was sitting in her car seat holding her baby doll. "Look Mommy, see my wipple? I'm feeding my baby." She has also taken the little faucet part of her pretend kitchen out of it's spot and spent a lot of time pretending to pump with it. She lifts her shirt, pumps, pours from the faucet into her play bottle, feeds her baby, and then starts all over.

What an adventure. This very "natural" process sure is complicated! When my baby turns a year old I will be so thrilled to never make another ounce of milk! It will be a glorious day! For now I will be thankful for the provision and continue on with my trusty pump. Our little one is SO worth it!

Can any of the Mommies out there relate?

Good Day

Sometimes I feel sad for my girls that they are victims of my daily moods. I wonder if they feel any stability in my behavior. I notice that I will respond completely different to their actions on a "good day" than on a "bad day." I think bad days are days that I am very irritable and occur unfortunately more than I would like. Good days are days that I feel an abundance of patience and am able to objectively respond to issues. I know that my good and bad days are directly related to how much I am living in my identity in Christ and how much I am resting and receiving. Last night I had a really nice time with God expressing my emotions, experience, and troubles. After I expressed it, I took some time to rest and listen. I felt that I was able to receive much love, grace and truth from Him and it definitely had a positive effect on me today. I did not start the day emotionally empty, but I started it full from all that I received from Him last night.

Yesterday was the opposite...I have high hopes for tomorrow!