Fire Ants

I really do like Texas. I love the people, the warm nights, the powerful storms, and the great Mexican restaurants. However...

I have decided that fire ants can smell my Oregon blood. They treat me like I am an intruder to their lovely state and they are on a mission to get me out!

I have gotten so many fire ant bites this summer it's insane!!! Ahhhh.

Even when I stand in a spot for just a second-like today I was putting a diaper in the trash. It couldn't have taken me much longer than a second to open the lid and drop the diaper in. Two of the little guys attacked my foot.

This is what we are teaching our girls to do when they have angry feelings. I'll practice what I preach a little. :)

"I am so angry with those fire ants. They won't leave me alone and my foot hurts."

I feel much better now! Thanks for listening!

My Rights

Our missions pastor, Tim, has given incredible sermons for the past two weeks.

This week he talked about how we are holding things so tightly in our fists. In one fist, holds the negative fleshy stuff that we know we need to get rid of. Pride, selfishness, greed, gossip, etc. In the other fist, we are squeezing all of the "good things" that we really think we ought to hold on to. I realized during that sermon that "my rights" are clenched so tightly in that fist holding the good things. I do not want to surrender my rights. This week has been an incredible week of me learning what it feels like to surrender even the good things...my rights, my dreams, my goals, my hard work, the things I "deserve," acceptance from others, comfort, my family, my house, my cars. Really, everything. Christ was crucified and I was crucified with Him. My old self is gone, yet I have a death grip on my old dreams and my old ways.
The more Christ leads me through this surrender, the better my life gets. Surrender is such a difficult and painful thing. Only He can do it in us as a work of grace.
A.W. Tozer, in The Pursuit of God, speaks of the deep root that is torn out of us when we surrender our self-life.
Self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us...to tear it away it to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. It is never fun to die...God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust.
The end result is so worth it though when we are finally able to experience the wonder and fullness of Christ's life in us and through us.

Lovely Day

I have had such a lovely day with my family. God's working in me to surrender on Sunday really has turned out to be a transforming experience. I have experienced today the joy and fulfillment of living in him...surrendering in the moment. That surrendering in the moment has been such dream of mine for a long time now, and He has now given me a taste of it. I pray I do not go back to the yoke of slavery, but rest on in this amazing Life He gives!

Going on three years in the Exchanged Life teaching and today it's an experience reality! Wow. Thank you Father! What a day.

Galatians 5:1
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."

Happies

Our four-year-old and our three-year-old girls choose their clothes and hair every day. They love it! Lately we have realized how rude my four-year-old has been treating my husband and her sister. So now, Daddy does everything for her until she re-learns how to treat him. He chooses her hair, chooses her clothes, gives her baths, puts her lotion on...everything! At first it was rough. He thought the best way for her to learn, was for him to pick out the clothes and hairdos that she doesn't like! Oh my! Those first few days were quite rough. He was right though, because now, she is doing great every day with what he picks.
She is still lashing out to him rudely though when she thinks he is wrong or when she is frustrated by him or something. I was trying to help her practice in the car today. "Not like this," and I said something rudely. "This is a kind way to say the same thing," and I gave her a kind example. Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, you took away Baby L's happies.! That rude voice you used, took the happy right away from her." I thought it was pretty cute. Sure enough, Baby L went from happy to upset after I gave my examples. Oops.

New Layout

As I was searching for a new layout for my blog I immediately knew that this was the right one when I saw it. It fits perfectly for the place of surrender I am at in my journey to dependence in Christ.
I wrote yesterday about where I am in my life in Christ. Knowing much, but experiencing little. This morning in church I had an incredible moment of surrender as I chose to let go of my "rights," and be willing to let God lead me to a place of complete surrender and fullness in Him. Letting go of my right to speak, to be respected, to be listened to, to judge, to be accepted, to be in control, to meet my needs, etc. I am extremely excited about it and have already noticed hundreds of moments in which I am able to choose. Surrender or my way. Just tonight as I wanted to cling to my "right" to be able to complete a sentence to Matt in conversation without being interrupted. I know that this is something that needs to be addressed and taught with my little ones, but not because I am disturbed by my right to speak being violated! :) It was a wonderful moment to experience a step by step moment by moment surrender of myself and receiving of Him.
I feel like this flower. This is my future. I am one of those tiny petals and God is the great wind. This will be my life: to be blown about by a mighty, holy, good, and trustworthy wind. I choose not to hold back, not to grieve the loss of my life and my dreams. In this wind I lose an empty life and gain a completely full and satisfying life.
What a ride it will be in His wind...not easy, but so full. I am very excited.

Good Quote

I love this from The Shack...it is Jesus speaking.

"My life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my follower is not trying to 'be like Jesus,' it means for your independence to be killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We (The Trinity) will come and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But, we will never force that union on you."

To me this paints a beautiful picture of the dependent life. What a gift God has given us through Christ to live this life in Him and Him in us.

Parenting: Law or Grace?

God (through others) discipled Matt and I in the Exchanged Life/ChristLife/Abiding Life, etc. message almost 3 years ago. We have since then gained much head knowledge about the theology and have enjoyed the message as it seeps it's way through our hearts and family lives. As much as knowing this new theology has blessed our lives, I have not experienced this dependent life as a reality much at all. I believe it's right and I know it's great. I can see it's transforming impact as the renewing of my mind has had a huge impact on my life and family. I've hit a wall with it though. I have come to a place where the truth of the Exchanged Life message meets my way of living life and I cannot seem to break free from myself in order to come into this life that I know is available in Christ. He has already set me free from myself...it just has not yet become my experienced reality. Maybe because I have such a fierce death grip on my life, my self, my control, and my way.

I have been asking myself how this message will impact my mothering. In light of grace, how do I teach and care for these children that don't seem to ever obey just because they love me?? Reading The Shack today shed some light on that question that has been rolling around in my head for nearly 3 years. It talked about God wanting us to join the circle of the trinity relationship in mutual submission. Being people who will share life with Him and each other. Not slaves that are trained to obey. I believe this is the answer to this parenting question I have been pondering. God intends for our family to be one of great love...His love. When we are rooted in love, then we can as a family share life in grace with each other. We all love our children, so this shouldn't be that hard, right?! WRONG! We all love our children with a very human love. Human love is not enough to make this way of parenting work. His love is the only love grand enough to make a family unit run with out a law.

The only answer is to journey toward surrender of myself. If I hold onto my self-life and try to mother in grace and love, it will fail. My love is not big enough...my love will never quench the yearning my children have in their souls to be loved. They will continue to search and search if that is all I have to offer them. In my self-life I also hold on with great passion to the perceived control that I love so dearly. Through reading the Shack my eyes have been opened to how authoritarian I am. That is such a distorted way to parent and it is not from God. I keep my kids under my law. I want things the way I want them around here and I require obedience to keep everything running smoothly and peacefully. Only, it's a facade. It's not really smooth or peaceful. My children are not offered the love or peace of Christ when it's about my gain or my control.

It boils down to one thing. There is one way to mother in which my kids will reach their maximum potential...that is in Christ. I know that. It makes sense with the rest of the Christ-Life theology. It breaks down greatly when I won't surrender. I end up fluctuating between law, guilt, grace, and confusion. I am afraid of what will happen behavior wise if I do not keep rules...many of which are safety rules! I am afraid of giving up my control and surrendering completely to Christ.

The answer I have come to today is that I cannot be the mother I want to be. I cannot do it in my own strength. The only way to do it is to allow the love of God to run through my being. I cannot love them with that love until I give up. A quote from a Bill Loveless conference keeps coming back to my mind, "Are you done yet?" I know God is asking me that question. He is bringing me to a place in which it is very clear that I cannot mother the girls in the way I know is right and good for them. I cannot be the person I want to be. He can. I believe that He will, but I do not believe that He will fight me for the control. I have to give it up, so that He can give the very best to me and my kids.

When I really think about it, it's not even about parenting. For me it's about living in Christ and the parenting will be taken care of. Instead of focusing on living in Christ, my focus for 5 years now has been on being a great mother. I have just been miserable on and off as I realize the failure I have been. When will I be done trying to be a great mother, so that God through me can be the perfect mother? Let's hope it's soon. I will try to keep blogging about the journey.

The Thomas Concept

There is something called the Thomas Concept. It's a personality assessment of sorts written by Dr. and Dr. Thomas. It focuses on understanding people through their strengths and learning to strike a balance between our strengths and weaknesses in relationships. It has been rather enlightening for me to study. I find that learning to understand people (and myself) through strengths is a wonderful concept! It has really enhanced my relationships and given me a new appreciation for the lovely people in my life.
Thanks for sharing it with me Crystal!

If I Only Had a Green Nose

Have any of you ever read Max Lucado's children's book titled If I Only Had a Green Nose? It's about a little wooden character that gives into the wooden people society pressure to paint his nose green, just to find out they have changed the color and it has to be redone. In the end Eli, his maker, re-finishes his nose, but it is quite painful to be sanded down.

I think this book comes to my mind daily as I have many things in my life that resemble Punchinello's desire to paint his nose green. In the book, it's obvious that the people wanting to paint their noses green because others are doing it is silly. Then to watch them all change the color at the whim of one trendsetter is quite ridiculous. However, isn't that the same thing we do in the world of trends and styles? I get so wrapped up in trying to look pretty or stylish or be comfortable that I really believe the lies that I need more stylish clothes, or new shoes, or a different car. I am especially bad at always wanting more for the girls...of course stuff that I have decided they really need.

The Truth is that our family has everything we need and more. If we truly need anything else, the Lord will provide it. If He does not provide it, then we do not need it. Instead of letting this Truth set me free from my "want worm" (as my dear friend Crystal called it years ago) I choose to try to tell God what we need. I ask and I ask and I ask. Then when He does not provide what I decided we need, I am let down and disappointed.

We were never intended to measure what we need. We were and are designed to trust in the only One who meets every need.

I have begun to alter my prayers to be more like this, "Lord, I trust that when we need a different car, you will provide a different car. In the meantime, I praise you for your complete provisions for me and my family. I choose to trust you. I choose to surrender my wants, rest in your provisions, and enjoy Your Life you have put in me."

Renewing my mind by speaking the Truth of who God is really does set me free. I am free to enjoy life moment by moment instead of being wrapped up in wants and worries. The Truth of Christ is so powerful in us in every moment!

Stems

A and I were driving to Wal-Mart on Sunday with our sweet friend Kelsey. A wanted to pick out a cake to celebrate her second "brand new on the inside" birthday.

A was looking out the window and said, "Look! There are deer out there with stems on their heads!"

So cute.

Old Post

Matt just dug up this old Xanga post that I wrote almost 2 years ago. It's sad to read about my parenting mistakes, but it's also super neat to see the work God was doing in me. He was and continues to do a huge work in me by teaching me to live with Him as my Source. I'm excited to report that the more I surrender my life and parenting to His control, the better parent I become. I have quit trying to be perfect and I have quit asking Him to make me perfect. I have started the journey to resting in Him as my Source for life and my Source for being a mommy to three precious little girls. I am incredibly thankful for all three of them-they bless my life in so many ways!

May 24, 2006

FAILURE...

i am at peace with this new perspective on failure...

for so many years i have beat myself up over failure. i am a half-perfectionist. a negative perfectionist that gets down on myself when i fail. especially when i fail in motherhood. any type of failure is difficult for me though...as it is for most of us. i run relationship failures over and over and just wish i could have "do-overs" half of the time. i value friendships and relationships and get very down when i do things to mess them up.

today, i messed up big time with A. i started my day today with a major chip on my shoulder and negative perspective. S is teething, so she's crying and throwing fits often throughout the day. A was her normal little self. her days are FULL of testing! it's usally ok, and i respond accordingly. today though, with S and A combined, i just felt so angry. so, i yelled at A this morning. i rarely yell at her, so it really hurts her feelings. i was so tired of her constant need for supervision. if i don't watch her for a minute, she's into something off limits. as much as i have babyproofed this house...A proofing is not possible!!! ok, i know she's 2 and this stuff is par for the course with a 2 year old...but that was not my perspective today. so, i yelled at her. not just once, but a few times over a 15-20 minute time period. she said, "mommy, you're making me sad!." the normal response of a parent would be regret and softening of heart, but no i yelled at her again. wow, poor little thing. in my world, this morning was a HUGE failure. everything that i want to be as a parent out the window.

but here's the exciting part, (now that i've written too, long.) i didn't beat myself up about it. woohoo! i realized that apart from God, that is the kind of parent i am...it's my tendency. i am not to get discouraged and try to perfect myself, but i am to give over the control and the parenting to God and let Him in all of His goodness, fruit and perfection have control over me. the surrender of my perfectionism has been a big one. surrender to the fact that He will never perfect me, but He will be perfect in me! wow, for me that has been freedom. so, instead of feeling depressed and sad today, i take it as an opportunity to rely on Him yet again. to once again give up my parenting ideals and expectations and let God have us all.

so, now that you all feel sorry for A...so do i. i told her today that i would stop trying to be in charge and i'd try to let God be in charge...life is MUCH better for all of us that way!!

Mama Get-a-Way

I am on a Mama get-a-way in lovely Waco! It's wonderful just to have some girl time with my dear friend, Crystal. We've been friends since college and she is a spectacular person and friend. I'm having a great time!

The Three-Year-Old

We went to an outdoor wedding this weekend that S disrupted big time! She tried to take A's purse, walked up to the singers just as they were starting their song, and had a little fit when I made her stop swinging a big stick.

The couple did a sand vase to symbolize their union. The mothers poured colored sand in a big vase and then the bride and groom each poured a color in the vase. After the ceremony when people were mingling S made a bee line for the cement stand holding the vase. Before I could catch her, she was standing at it with her hands up on the stand. She was grabbing for the vase. The stand was outside on the dirt, so it did not look completely stable to begin with! Matt and I were both seeing visions of a broken vase and colored sand everywhere! We weren't sure how we would explain that one to the newly married couple! I shouted her name as I went running for her. Thankfully, she turned around and gave me time to catch her, pick her up and get her away from the sand.

I think we might get a babysitter for the next wedding we attend!