Fun Night

Tonight we had week 1 of our Be Transformed study at our house. It was so fun to start it again with a new group of brothers and sisters hungry for God! I love it. We talked about The Beginning and saw The Fall from a new perspective. I always love to go through it. The Holy Spirit speaks to me every time.
Tonight I was overwhelmed by how much I have believed the lies of the enemy and how those lies have kept me in bondage. God renewed my mind again with His awesome Truth of who He is, who I am, and what I have in Him.

Tonight while we were putting the kids to bed we were all laying in their room after Matt prayed. I was laying with A on her bed and Matt was laying on the floor with his head on S's bed. I think S was scratching his head, which is probably why he wasn't in a hurry to leave! :) Anyway, we talked a little and we had been laying there quiet for a couple minutes when A said in a very matter of fact voice, "Why is there someone laying on my bed when I have school early in the morning?" Oh my! It struck my funny bone! I busted out laughing and Matt and I slowly peeled ourselves up and left their room. We haven't heard a noise since...haha! The trick to smooth bedtimes is to put them to bed at 10:45 pm???? Well, that's not going to work! :) Tonight we had special circumstances that kept us up late, but we can't do that every night! At least little S had bedtime success for tonight! (She's 3 and has been having lots of trouble.) Her reward in the morning for a good bedtime is an early morning walk down the street in her jammies with a juice box! She is going to come pounding into my room in the morning knowing that she gets to do it and she's going to be PUMPED! Yay for little S!

One thing I have been learning lately is the Holy Spirit's voice. He often puts thoughts in my head and I explain it away and have reasons why it is just me or something. Lately I have been realizing that He speaks to me a lot and I just don't recognize Him until later. Tonight I was headed out with some friends and had the thought/feeling that I really needed to be home tonight at bedtime. I called Matt and asked him to keep the girls up for me until I got home. He got them all ready for bed and then brought them to come pick me up. When we got home, we had the most precious family time and it was so clear to me that it had been His voice suggesting I be home to put the girls to bed. I am thankful that He speaks to me and thankful that I am learning to listen and recognize Him. This is quite a dance with the Holy Spirit!

I love my little family and I love my God. I feel that He is creating in me and desire for Him alone. Not what He has to offer, not for more head knowledge or a better looking life; just Him. To desire and love Him more each day is such a gift of grace. I am thankful.

My Baby Girl

It seems like just yesterday I was swinging baby A in the Nojo Baby Sling six times a day trying to help her get to sleep! As our first baby, she was such an adventure. Now, she is so big! She can fix her own food, get herself dressed, write her name, and today...she learned to tie her own shoes! Oh my, I just can't believe how big she is! She turned five a few weeks ago-it's so hard to believe!

She is so much fun to have as a daughter-I am so thankful that God put her sweet little soul with us.

Walking Worthy

Colossians 1 tells us to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. My parents pastor, Rick, spoke of this on Sunday. Who of us is really able to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord? None of us are living sinless lives and not one of us is worthy. He is the only one worthy.

That is why God designed us to receive Him and be full of His life. When we are full of His life, His life will "walk" out of our lives and we will then be capable of walking in a manner worthy of Him. Only with His life in us and through us are we able to complete this instruction.

That is how all of God's Word is designed. It brings us to a place of "I can't" so He can show us how wonderfully HE CAN! It's a beautiful paradox that in all of the instructions, we are not created or intended to carry it out. We have been created to surrender our will, our rights, our striving, our efforts, our abilities, our opinions, our judgments, our praise, our everything to Him and in His love and life He is completely faithful, trustworthy, and good.

One of the hardest areas for me to surrender is the protection of my children. I think deep down I have not trusted God with my kids. I have seen and heard of too many children suffering to let go of my children and trust Him with them.

What He is teaching me is that when I surrender my children to His care, He does not promise me physical protection for them. He promises to hold them, care for them, and to never leave them. So when I let go of them into His loving care, I do that knowing that He will hold them for eternity. That He loves them more than I do, and that He will finish the work He started in them.

It is so incredibly difficult for me, but the pride of thinking I can do a better job is a lie that is destructive for me and my family.

Today I trust that through me and many other avenues, God is with my children. The truth is that He loves them deeply and He will never let them go. He knows how many hairs are on their heads, and when a bunch of them come out with the ponytail, He knows that, too! :) He holds them when they are sad, He whispers truth into their minds, and He knows the plans He has for them. For a great hope and a future. I know He will work all things for their (spiritual) good and lead them into a rich and intimate relationship with Him.

I am not capable of walking in a manner worthy of the Lord, but His life in me and through me is completely capable and sufficient. I lack nothing, for He has filled me. As I continue this journey to surrender, I pray that I will embrace every opportunity He brings me to surrender my will, rights, opinions, desires, comforts, and fears. I choose to rest, trust Him, and enjoy this abundant life He came to give.

Let's enjoy today Christ in us, the hope of glory.

Fire Ants

I really do like Texas. I love the people, the warm nights, the powerful storms, and the great Mexican restaurants. However...

I have decided that fire ants can smell my Oregon blood. They treat me like I am an intruder to their lovely state and they are on a mission to get me out!

I have gotten so many fire ant bites this summer it's insane!!! Ahhhh.

Even when I stand in a spot for just a second-like today I was putting a diaper in the trash. It couldn't have taken me much longer than a second to open the lid and drop the diaper in. Two of the little guys attacked my foot.

This is what we are teaching our girls to do when they have angry feelings. I'll practice what I preach a little. :)

"I am so angry with those fire ants. They won't leave me alone and my foot hurts."

I feel much better now! Thanks for listening!

Happies

Our four-year-old and our three-year-old girls choose their clothes and hair every day. They love it! Lately we have realized how rude my four-year-old has been treating my husband and her sister. So now, Daddy does everything for her until she re-learns how to treat him. He chooses her hair, chooses her clothes, gives her baths, puts her lotion on...everything! At first it was rough. He thought the best way for her to learn, was for him to pick out the clothes and hairdos that she doesn't like! Oh my! Those first few days were quite rough. He was right though, because now, she is doing great every day with what he picks.
She is still lashing out to him rudely though when she thinks he is wrong or when she is frustrated by him or something. I was trying to help her practice in the car today. "Not like this," and I said something rudely. "This is a kind way to say the same thing," and I gave her a kind example. Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, you took away Baby L's happies.! That rude voice you used, took the happy right away from her." I thought it was pretty cute. Sure enough, Baby L went from happy to upset after I gave my examples. Oops.

Stems

A and I were driving to Wal-Mart on Sunday with our sweet friend Kelsey. A wanted to pick out a cake to celebrate her second "brand new on the inside" birthday.

A was looking out the window and said, "Look! There are deer out there with stems on their heads!"

So cute.

Old Post

Matt just dug up this old Xanga post that I wrote almost 2 years ago. It's sad to read about my parenting mistakes, but it's also super neat to see the work God was doing in me. He was and continues to do a huge work in me by teaching me to live with Him as my Source. I'm excited to report that the more I surrender my life and parenting to His control, the better parent I become. I have quit trying to be perfect and I have quit asking Him to make me perfect. I have started the journey to resting in Him as my Source for life and my Source for being a mommy to three precious little girls. I am incredibly thankful for all three of them-they bless my life in so many ways!

May 24, 2006

FAILURE...

i am at peace with this new perspective on failure...

for so many years i have beat myself up over failure. i am a half-perfectionist. a negative perfectionist that gets down on myself when i fail. especially when i fail in motherhood. any type of failure is difficult for me though...as it is for most of us. i run relationship failures over and over and just wish i could have "do-overs" half of the time. i value friendships and relationships and get very down when i do things to mess them up.

today, i messed up big time with A. i started my day today with a major chip on my shoulder and negative perspective. S is teething, so she's crying and throwing fits often throughout the day. A was her normal little self. her days are FULL of testing! it's usally ok, and i respond accordingly. today though, with S and A combined, i just felt so angry. so, i yelled at A this morning. i rarely yell at her, so it really hurts her feelings. i was so tired of her constant need for supervision. if i don't watch her for a minute, she's into something off limits. as much as i have babyproofed this house...A proofing is not possible!!! ok, i know she's 2 and this stuff is par for the course with a 2 year old...but that was not my perspective today. so, i yelled at her. not just once, but a few times over a 15-20 minute time period. she said, "mommy, you're making me sad!." the normal response of a parent would be regret and softening of heart, but no i yelled at her again. wow, poor little thing. in my world, this morning was a HUGE failure. everything that i want to be as a parent out the window.

but here's the exciting part, (now that i've written too, long.) i didn't beat myself up about it. woohoo! i realized that apart from God, that is the kind of parent i am...it's my tendency. i am not to get discouraged and try to perfect myself, but i am to give over the control and the parenting to God and let Him in all of His goodness, fruit and perfection have control over me. the surrender of my perfectionism has been a big one. surrender to the fact that He will never perfect me, but He will be perfect in me! wow, for me that has been freedom. so, instead of feeling depressed and sad today, i take it as an opportunity to rely on Him yet again. to once again give up my parenting ideals and expectations and let God have us all.

so, now that you all feel sorry for A...so do i. i told her today that i would stop trying to be in charge and i'd try to let God be in charge...life is MUCH better for all of us that way!!

The Three-Year-Old

We went to an outdoor wedding this weekend that S disrupted big time! She tried to take A's purse, walked up to the singers just as they were starting their song, and had a little fit when I made her stop swinging a big stick.

The couple did a sand vase to symbolize their union. The mothers poured colored sand in a big vase and then the bride and groom each poured a color in the vase. After the ceremony when people were mingling S made a bee line for the cement stand holding the vase. Before I could catch her, she was standing at it with her hands up on the stand. She was grabbing for the vase. The stand was outside on the dirt, so it did not look completely stable to begin with! Matt and I were both seeing visions of a broken vase and colored sand everywhere! We weren't sure how we would explain that one to the newly married couple! I shouted her name as I went running for her. Thankfully, she turned around and gave me time to catch her, pick her up and get her away from the sand.

I think we might get a babysitter for the next wedding we attend!

THE Shoes

We skipped nap today and headed to the mall to get a few things. I was looking for a pair of dressy heals, so A, S, and I were hanging out at one of those sale shoe racks in Macy's. I found a silver pair with jewels in my size that were similar to what I was looking for. A found the same shoe in a smaller size and told me that she wanted to buy shoes like that for her married. I said the famous, "Oh, that sounds good," and we went on with our shopping.

On our way out of the mall we walked by the shoe rack again to show Matt the shoes I found. Ania looked and looked for the one she found, because she had to try it on again and show Daddy. She finally found it and the conversation with Matt went something like this...

"I really want to buy this shoe, but I can't find the other foot!"
"They don't keep the left shoe out here sweetie, this is the only one."
"How do I buy it then?"
"Well, we are not going to buy this shoe today. They will keep the other one in the back until someone else buys it."
"But I am wearing it to my married!" At this point she was starting to panic.
"I'm sure you will find another one when you're getting married. We can't get that one today."
Sadly she answered, "I think someone else is going to buy it before I get married."
"Yes, someone else will probably buy it, but you will find another one to go with your wedding dress when it's time to get married."

Matt walked away and A stood there holding the shoe...staring at it. She was having an extremely hard time parting with it. Then, she had an idea and excitedly walked over to Matt...

"Daddy, may I please buy this shoe now and save it for my married?"
"Sweetie, we don't know if it will fit when you get married. Also, you don't know if it will match the dress you pick out!"
"I AM WEARING MOMMY'S WEDDING DRESS! This matches perfectwy!"
"I know you love that shoe A, but you are going to have to wait this time. You don't need it right now. When it is time for you to get married, we'll go pick out some very pretty shoes."
Her response was a very sad, "Okay."

I so wanted to buy her the shoes! :)

A grieved for the shoe for a few minutes, and then thankfully got over it when we let her push L's stroller around!

What a cutie!

Friends

Two of A's best friends moved away about a year ago. She has missed them so much and often asks to visit them. Coordinating three family schedules for a visit has been difficult, but we finally made it up yesterday to see both of her friends.
We played at a McDonalds with Andy and Ellie first and then played at her friend Anabeth's house.
We all had a really nice time and enjoyed catching up with special friends.
We took a few pictures with Matt's iphone at McDonalds.

Andy

A made a close friend in her 3-year-old mdo class named Andy. The summer after that class Andy moved about 2 hours away. On and off A has talked about Andy, missed him, and wanted to see him. This weekend we were going to go visit his family. Just before we were leaving his mom called to tell us he had been throwing up and wasn't up for the visit. She also told me this conversation they had about A...
"Mommy, who do you think A will marry?"
"I don't know Andy, do you want to marry her?"
"No, no, I wasn't saying that. I was just saying that if she wanted to get married, that would be okay with me."
So cute!
He's a precious boy and I hope she marries a sweetheart like him!

Bugs

Since S asked Jesus into her heart, she has been quite taken with the idea of heaven. Today she found three dead bugs. Each time she bends over and studies it, then the conversation goes like this.
"Mommy, see this bug?"
"Yes."
"This bug is killed."
"Yes, that's too bad."
"Oh, I hope he goes to heaven! Will he go to heaven Mommy?"
Man, that question is hard to answer. Especially with this sweet little 2-year-old staring at me with big sad eyes!
I answer,
"I don't know sweetheart. I do know that God cares for everything He makes."
Then she walks around the house saying, "Yea, yea, okay. God cares for everything He Makes. Yea, yea."

Happy Birthday

Little S decided Saturday to ask Jesus into her heart. She is the very same age A was when she made the decision. With both of them we held back thinking they were too young to understand it all and make the decision. God has given them such pure faith and it's exciting to see them respond to Him. They have responded to Him so differently according to their different personalities; it's been lovely to watch. They are too young and uninhibited to hide His voice or activity in their lives. They don't explain away His voice and it's exciting to teach them at these young ages what He "sounds" like!

Sunday we had a little birthday celebration for her with cupcakes and Happy Birthday!

Tonight S was telling Nana about her decision. She was trying to spit out, "Jesus made me brand new on the inside." She was having a bit of trouble getting in out. A was standing behind her shouting, "She's been washed by the bwood of the Wamb, Nana! Nana! She's been washed by the bwood of the Wamb!"

Stu

I was reading a comment on my Stormado post and responding to it tonight. It reminded me of a story from this summer when A was asking a lot about God, death, Heaven, etc. She has always expressed a lot of excitement whenever we talk about going to heaven and being with Jesus. She has a sincere childlike love for God and Jesus and really looks forward to sleeping in the room that Jesus will prepare for her. :) She is always asking if He will stay in the room with her. This summer she was all excited to go to heaven, then she got quiet for a while. About ten minutes later she said, "Mommy, I really want to go see Jesus, but I will really miss Stu!" (Stu is a buddy of hers that she loves dearly...obviously!) At the age of 4 boys are already on the mind! Wow. She decided that she and Stu needed to die at the same time so they could go to heaven together. I guess she'll have to take that one up with God!

Stormado

Both of our girls were a little nervous tonight about the storm going through our area. The news was mentioning tornadoes and dangerous hail/winds. A was asking over and over if we would go to our safe place and she wanted to be sure that we would take care of her. S was asking over and over if the "stormado" would break our windows. I absolutely LOVE two-year-old language.

Four-year-old language is actually pretty cute, too. We have this great Alan Jackson hymns cd in the car. The girls have two favorite songs on it: Washed by the Blood of the Lamb and I'll Fly Away. A was singing along tonight...
"Are you washed by the bwood of the Wamb? Are your garments spotwess? Are they white as snow. Are you washed by the bwood of the Wamb?
I'll fwy away oh gwory, I'll fwy away. When I die hawewujah by and by, I'll fwy away!"
I just love to hear their little voices singing the hymns and see their little heads bobbing around in the back seat! A waves her hands around while she sings and it looks like she's directing an imaginary choir!

Tonight A was too afraid to sleep, so we went downstairs and sat at a window to watch the storm. She said, "I just can't fweep. I'm too afraid. I'm thinking about Jesus and I'm not afraid of Jesus. I'm just afraid of the storm. I'm afraid it's going to break our house." Then she said, "Why does God send tornadoes?"

Uh...I wasn't prepared to answer that one! I told her I didn't know if God does send the tornadoes. We went upstairs to ask Daddy, but I'm not sure he was all that prepared to answer it either! Basically, he said that he wasn't sure if God sends tornadoes, but he does know that God is in control and plans good (not necessarily circumstantial good, but spiritual good) for us...

I would love to hear how you would have answered the question!

The World According to a 2 Year Old

My little 2 year old was climbing on her play kitchen when my dad was taking care of her. It's near a two-story window that is unfortunately low. My dad said, "S, are you allowed to climb on that?" S answered, "Yes! When Mommy and Daddy aren't heaw." Papa said, "Are you allowed to climb on that when Mommy and Daddy are here?" Exasperated she answered, "Noooo. Not when they are heaw. I allowed to play on it when they NOT heaw!"
Haha!

SuperMom!

Have any of you other mommies ever started a morning with a great plan to be a super mommy? I have. My self-talk goes a little like this...

"We're going to have such a fun day. I'll be empathetic with their little feelings, I'll get down on their level to deal with any issues and speak to them in a very kind voice. I'll spend my free moments giving them attention and play time instead of doing house work...etc." I get all pumped up thinking about what wonderful things are possible in the realm of being a stay at home mom.

Then reality hits. :) Pumping takes 45 minutes instead of 30 because L wouldn't nurse and a duct is plugged. Matt has an early meeting, so I don't have time to shower...S is ignoring my requests. A is telling me the way I should pour the milk. My response to all of this? Certainly not my super mom plan. I go to bed that night feeling more like the villian than the super hero. Maybe tomorrow I think. Tomorrow I will do better.

Only tomorrow morning is the same. Each day I have grand plans for the day. Some days I respond according to my super hero goal, but more often I respond poorly. I have gone to the Lord many times with this frustration. "Why can't I be better to them? I want so badly to be a great mommy, why do I fail so often?"

This is what I hear from Him during my listening times:

Relax child. Rest in my love.

You want me to fix YOU. I will not fix you so you can be a "great mom" and feel good about your performance. I will show you how much you need ME. I will not fix your "flesh," but I will be faithful to be a super mom through you. As you rest in my sufficiency as your children's parent, you will become a super mom. Not because of you, but because I am living through you as you mother your girls.

I am enough for you each moment of each day.
I am enough for your children each moment of each day.
I am enough for your marriage and matt each moment of each day.
I am simply enough. The sooner you believe that and rest in that truth, the sooner your girls will experience the kind of family life you desire for them. You cannot do it. I CAN.

So I start the next morning with these words in mind. I begin the day thinking, "Lord, you are enough for me. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness as a mother. I trust you to be what I need today. I trust you to be what my kids need today."

The difference is astounding. I can see His strength and love pouring out of me into my children's lives. All glory to God for the days my children get to experience His life through my life. What a gift. He is enough and when I give up and let Him express His life instead of trying to perform on my own-the results are wonderful!

Trustworthy

My little four year old is a super sweet little girl. We have so much fun together. She is helpful, fun, obedient...of course we have difficult moments, but overall she is SO much fun! It hasn't always been that way with her. We went through some extremely difficult times during her ones, twos and threes! It is a relief to be through those and really be able to enjoy time with her more. Life has generally gotten easier by the day since she was born!

One thing that has progressively gotten harder though is lying. Eeeek! Not a fun issue to deal with. We tell her that lying is a hurtful way to treat someone and we will not treat each other that way in our family...then she has to sit in a timeout. We have also added another element to our response.

A accepted Jesus the summer she turned three. We were unsure about it-thinking she was too young. Who are we to decide that though? God gave her the sweet little faith of a child and she responded to Him to the best of her understanding.

We are trying to teach her that when she is truthful, we and others will trust her to be truthful. When she consistently tells lies, then we and others lose trust in her truthfulness. In all of this we are constantly reminding her of the truth of who she is "in Christ." Since she has trusted Him as Lord, His Spirit lives in her and has united Himself with her. Therefore, she has the trustworthy nature of Christ as the core of who she is. She is no longer a sinner in her true identity, but she now can identify with Christ and His nature. Instead of telling her that she is not being trustworthy, we have changed our semantics. We say, "The truth is that you are trustworthy because Jesus lives in you and He is trustworthy. However, you are not making choices that go along with what is true about you. You are making untrustworthy choices."

So far, it has effected her. We have seen a decrease in the amount of lies she tells and we also feel a very intimate bond with her on an emotional level. Here is one of her lies from last night...

Matt and I went on our first real date since L was born!!! We had a really fun dinner out while my parents watched the three girls. They put the girls to bed and everything seemed ok. Then S had to go potty. Mimi had baby and Papa took her to the bathroom. When he brought S back to bed, A was standing in the middle of her bed. Papa said, "A, lay down and put your head on your pillow." She answered, "But Mommy lets me do this!" Papa, "Mommy lets you sleep standing up?" A, "Yes! Mommy lets me sleep standing up!" Haha!

Needless to say, Papa did not fall for this one and he asked her to lay her head on her pillow anyway. Mommy has said some crazy things according to my kids! :)

Ratio

The parent:child ratio in our house right now is awesome! My parents are visiting so we have more adults in the house than children. Plenty of arms and ears for all three kiddos. They are so excited to have their Mimi and Papa here. They got to have their tea party this morning before church...finally! They have been waiting months for it and they loved every minute of it.

Yesterday in the car on the way down to the Austin airport S was singing:

"What a mighty God we erve, what a mighty God we erve. Angels, heaven, what a mighty God we erve." So cute. I love little versions of these songs.

They ask Matt to play Never Let Go by Matt Redman most of the time and then sing along so passionately. It makes for a pretty fun ride.

It's going to be a fun week!

Dog Bite

A got bit by a dog in the mouth several weeks ago. We're not sure why neighbors let their dogs out in the neighborhood without leashes...